So She Asked You To Be Her Dom?

For many couples getting into Dominance and Submission, it is the female half of the partnership (generally speaking) that brings the idea to the table.  Many Doms I have spoken to over the years said it was like that for them, and usually fuelled by erotic reading. The Fifty Shades Of Grey trilogy is probably the best well known, however, there are a thousand good titles out there for each of the FSOG books!

For me, that is how it happened.  We were into kinky sex anyway in a less formal sense, and generally just doing our own thing really.  Missy didn’t drop to her knees and ask to be my sub, it was part of a wider conversation and D/s came into it.  She did state that she found being submissive in the bedroom was a turn on and that she would like to extend that beyond and into everyday life.

I will openly admit that I really didn’t know what Missy was talking about.  Yes, I had heard about BDSM but assumed it was all dominatrix, gimp suits and judges dressed as babies!  How little I knew looking back.  After some conversation I grasped the basic concept and started to do some on-line research.  There was an alarming amount of commercial rubbish on the internet; mostly porn, dating sites and casual hook ups at clubs.  There was very little to do with people like us who were married and starting out.  What little I found was prescriptive, and in retrospect very repetitive.  I wanted something that spoke about me and how I could learn to be a Dom.  One point of note here – Don’t let people tell you Doms are born and not made.  It’s complete rubbish written mainly by shallow men who are scared of everyday people.

I did find an on-line community which looked very promising. There were some men there in a similar situation to me and a long line of people offering advice.  I have to say that the site was instrumental in getting me off the ground and provided me with a good insight into the mentality of men who say they are Dominant.  They fell in to 4 groups

  • The genuine friendly person who asks more questions about you than offering advice. You get to work it out yourself.
  • The person who wants to be the centre of attention and invaribly makes stuff up.
  • The chest beater who wants sex and has no interest in the emotional welfare of his sub
  • The know-it-all who speaks of conquests in great detail, offers advice, wants to be THE Dominant, and yet does not listen.

As you can see, there are more negative personalites in that list than positive, and there’s a reason for that.  Good people are hard to find and ‘absolute power corrupts absolutely.’  D/s can attract some real arseholes, and it is these people you want to avoid.  Good Doms are, Kind, Considerate, Inclusive and above all put the needs of their sub First.

Now that you have been canvased into becoming a Dom, start communicating with you sub about everything. Your feelings, thoughts, hang-ups, sexual fantasies, sex toys, and in fact just about everything.

There is one small caveat to communication and it is this; It may be a good idea to have an agreement that ALL sexual fantasies can be discussed impartially and without judgement.  Just because one person says they might like the idea being with someone of the same sex (if you are not already) try not to take this as a slur against your current relationship. Fantasies are wild thoughts that should be allowed to be played with.  Try to chill out and go with the flow!