Who are you? – Dominant Reflections

Missy and I had our usual weekend discussion surrounding all things D/s, us and our writing.  Missy has been working on a revised project on Submissive Reflection, which I should let you know she has an Olympic Gold Medal for when it comes to self evaluation!  I do not hold any such medals, however, missy did invite me ‘try out’ for the team when she asked me what kind of Dom I thought I was?  There was a silent pause, similar to that of a swimmer who is balancing on a small pedestal and has just heard, ‘Set, Marks…….’ However, in this case the gun didn’t go off bang and there was no explosive burst of energy to force myself into the air.  Instead there was more silence; I think I was starting to reflect.

Being able to say you are the person you want to be in life is a rare statement. Buddist monks strive to be the best person they can be, as the person you want to be is seen as self indulgent; However, how can you be best version of yourself if you don’t know who you want to be?  Maybe they are the same depending on your point of view?  I do not have the advantage of a hill top retreat with water falls and bells to work that out just now, I am still balancing on the edge of a swimming pool if you remember!

I guess to look at what kind of Dominant I am I need to look at the person I am. My parents did not name me Dominant, or Dominic as a close second, so it wasn’t preordained that I would seek this path; And of course Dominant’s come in many guises and have relationships with different people with different needs. Fundementally it does come down to who you are at the core as Dominance should not be something that feels forced, it should be an extension of your character to a greater or lesser degree.

At my core I am a people pleaser. I get a lot from helping people and giving things, be that my time, skills or company.  I was a first class blagger when young (someone who gets what they want in a clever way and by saying things that are not true) which does not make me a true liar, more to use  smoke and mirrors to get by in life with an air of confidence that has made, mainly employers in the early days, think that I may know more than I do.  Growing up in social housing estates in the 1980’s with 4 million unemployed you had to find your own way and by using polite chat, mirroring converations and also doing a little homework before hand, I got by.  Being that way does give you an air of confidence, some arrogance too, however, it protects you and allows you to enter into disputes knowing that even if you do not win, and your position was rocky to start with, no real harm is done to you.

I should also state that I have little shame, no real sexual barriers, carry little guilt and am happy in my own skin.  So what kind of Dom am I if that is the person I am?  To start with I am Dom who knows there is more to the mindset than I currently posess. Despite all the bravado and confidence, you can’t hide behind that from the ones you love. Family and close friends see who you are and whilst that may not sit comfortably with me, it’s a fact and also needed to stay grounded.  One fear I have in Dominance is becoming an arsehole and not be a caring person.  I doubt missy would allow that, however, my biggest fear is not being the best Dom I can be.  Some people reading this will not understand what I am about to say, although some will; For many years I have tried to be the Dom my sub would like. She brought the concept to the table and ever since I have tried to aspire to that rather than fully owning it.  It may have felt that I have owned it at times, however, deep down I know that I have not used those skills I have aqauired over the long years to take this forward on my own path.  On reflection (yes I used that word again!) I am surprised by this.

All teams need a leader, and effective teams have leaders that know when to take risks to develop the entire group and the individual.  Usually this about looking back to evaluate as well as forward and to stop navel gazing which I think I may have been doing way too much. Dominance is a not a daily thing to be ticked off a list, it’s a relationship. Having typed this I see a bit clearer how that symbiotic relationship works better when woven through your preexisting loving relationship. There does not need to be a situation where stepping from one part of your life in to another continually to make it work has to happen. You just have to know what you want and communicate that, the rest as they say, will sort it self out!

For now the only way forward as I see it, reflecting back at me on the still swimming pool water, is to launch one’s self forward and find a style that will keep me afloat and moving forward as gracefully as I can!

Posted in Being a Dom.


  1. They (not sure who, saw a meme similar to this concept) say as long as you are cognizant of not wanting to be an ‘arsehole’, it probably keeps one from becoming an arsehole.

  2. At my core I am a people pleaser. Isn’t it interesting how both submissives and Dominants are often people pleasers? We both understand that giving is receiving…. that to have a great day means being someone’s great day. Each in our own way of course… but its what lights our fire!

Please leave a thought if you have one..

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.