Safety has been one of main sources of income for over 25 years, or at least consulting with companies and individuals on how not kill people and what to do if you happen find yourself in that position. A little bit of planning and thought can make a massive difference to the outcome of a situation. However, as I have quoted on my blog before, ‘No plan survives contact with the enemy’ and to a greater or lesser degree I still stick by that. There is always something you didn’t anticipate, especially if you’re dealing with people, for we are genetically complex and tricky for something that is made of 60% water. Odd when you think a jelly fish is 90% water which makes me wonder are we 30% from being reduced to bobbing about in the sea and a jelly fish is as close as flying a jet fighter? I’ll leave that one for you to work out.
Ah yes, Safety, and no I have not forgotten what I started here! One thing that nearly always compromises safety in people is distraction. Nearly all accidents are caused by someone not focussing on what they should be, and the same for the people trying to sort the mess out, although they normally have to work out where to start cleaning up the mess, which is also distracting. Now some of you will have read that missy and I made the decision sometime ago to try playing with other people. Not just any old people, but people we liked at lot, respected, and could trust. Obviously safety is major factor in these circumstances, and not just physical safety. I’m talking emotional safety.
Now anyone who has expanded their physical, and subsequent emotional relationship from being single knows it’s a mine field. All those neurons and chemicals firing off in quick succession are just amazing, however, there is the flip side when things don’t work out or when you are separated from that person; It’s a downer isn’t it? In our case, missy and I did all that big up and downing years ago, now we are managing the undulating hills of life in a more structure way, however, we then decided to play will other people. Harry Potter fans may recall the line ‘Hold on, you’re in for a bumpy ride’ and they would not be far from the truth, although that’s not necessarily a negative thing.
Missy and I, and our friends discussed our weekend away a lot before and on arrival we discussed boundaries again at length, albeit in a very polite and ‘I don’t want to appear to keen/reserved’ type of way. Please don’t be mistaken at this point that you are looking at wife swapping, as this was one main ingredient we agreed would not be in the menu. We planned we have fun through discussion, a freedom to explore our own personal dynamic with other people and also take some great photographs. Through all of this I had missy’s safety in mind both emotionally and physically. At least that was the plan.
Our trip took place to between wave 1 and 2 of Covid back in 2020 when a widow of opportunity appeared, so it was great to jump in the car and get away from the house. We were also going to beautiful location with people we liked. What could be more exciting? I was was on a high, missy was in a good place and feeling submissive wearing leather cuffs in the car. We talked all the way there and missy on a number of occasions mentioned the problems that good arise from getting too carried away in the moment. It was very valid point and delivered from someone who understands our relationship deeply.
Jumping foward, missy and I found ourselves talking in the car going home and sharing all the things we had learnt from the very positive experience. New doors had been opened as a result and a number of lessons learnt. Physical safety was not an issue, however, emotional safety was compromised on a number of levels. Firstly, my emotional experience was different from missy’s and that is always going to happen because we are all different. Secondly, and most importantly was the limited peripheral vision I had to recognise that, and the aftercare required to make a shared experience with others about us. Now I offer the mitigation that this was all new to us, however, our relationship is not, and neither are missy’s needs as a person. Her safety net is me in all aspects of our relationship; She is strong and independent and yet when things off the rails, she falls to me and that’s the way I like it. My plan of battle did not survive first contact due to the fact I was distracted, by my reaction, missy’s reactions, and those around me. I was, by my own admission, a kid in a sweet shop with no regard for long term tooth decay!
The weekend was a complete success, and we achieved a lot personally and made our relationship stronger with our friends. There is always something to learn from any experience and mine was a need to maintain a strong focus on the safety of our emotional relationship. Often it is about sharing your feelings about the other person at the earliest and the most appropriate moment, taking time between play or photos to check in, to do things that are totally about us away from a wider group.
The person you arrived with is the same person you are going home with, and therefore so are should the bonds that hold you together. Stop, Look, Listen and Support, even a jelly fish could learn that!