Needs and Wants in D/s


If ever there was a topic that could produce unique response, this one is probably one of them.  We all have needs as humans which Maslow kindly decided to highlight in a triangle one day, and to be fair on him he wasn’t far off the mark generally speaking.  We have the ‘where I am now’ needs, the ‘where I like to be’ need and the ‘where I want to go’ needs.  Laid out like that I see D/s shining through, and that is no real surprise, is it?  Afterall, D/s really is about being a better version of yourself by addressing and understanding your own needs and wants, and then doing the same for the person(s) in your life.

End of Post?

If only you may be thinking, as it’s not that easy is it?  I mean, do you really know what you want, truly?  Do you know yourself that well you can honestly articulate what your needs are?  I know that some people manage their bank of needs pretty well, take Missy for example. She spent part of her youth studying lots of ‘oligies’ examining human behaviour, I on the other hand did not and mainly focussed on what a lot of young people do and focus on the here and now; Live life day by day and forget yesterday. There is nothing wrong with that, I certainly can’t throw stones so please do not think I am looking down from the top of the triangle with a smug look.  What I do know by comparing Missy and I is that whilst everyone’s needs change, it is recognising the change, the why, and what you are going to do about it.  A bit of planning always helps, but with me I seem to notice changes in emotional needs after the event, and not having the awareness to to see it coming.  This obviously can cause problems!

My needs, as I type them are simple, however, I have paused for thought just then knowing what comes next is a bit of a mine field, but I will carry on.  I have a need to be Seen, Heard, Recognised, Touched, Adored, Loved, Surprised.  I know grammatically I should have thrown in an ‘and’ at the end of the list, however, that felt like it was declaring an end to my needs, when in fact there are probably more.  I sound like a narcissist looking at my needs, and yet I would bet most people would be like that too.  Now, I am not saying I do not get these things in my relationship because I do, although I did not in a previous one and I think that makes me touchier if I feel that isn’t happening.  So, again we have another element thrown into the mix, past experience, which most of us have, good and bad.

Missy’s needs are easy.  They are communicated clearly and when she is getting what she needs, her behaviour reflects that. The reverse of this is that when needs are not being met, missy fills the gaps herself. It is her default, a defence mechanism if you will, emotional armour!  I think she is able to do that from having good emotional awareness; Me, well I just get grumpy!

I haven’t touched on Wants yet, and they are a different animal i would argue.  Wants are like seeds that grow into Needs once the roots get established (I made that up!).  I sure you see my point of view in that once a want becomes the norm it can become a need the more value you give it.  Wants are the things you find on your journey with D/s.  It is a bit like scrolling through sex toy web page with rows and rows of the same old stuff and then ‘boom!’ you see something new.  D/s is like that with wants being found through discussion with each other and wider groups. Discovering new words, new ways to enjoy each other and yes, even sex toy sites offer a chance to broaden the mind.

My immediate Need right now is to finish this post and my Want is that maybe you see yourself in these words. I have not offered any advice or direction, possibly only recognition that you are doing better at it than you thought or maybe you need to get that triangle out of your ass and up your game, like me!

Posted in Memes.


  1. This is SO true: “Wants are like seeds that grow into Needs once the roots get established”.
    Love this post, and now you have me thinking about making a list of my needs… and looking for the things I want. Not that I can act on them now, but who knows later 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

  2. I wonder if everyone thinks about the relationship from the past, do they sometimes wait for the other shoe to drop while perhaps missing something good?
    I do not want to become that person, I have been a person who moves on from things in life because that has been my outlook. Keep on trying.

    Someone who wants to crush that kind of spirit also has the power to silence my needs and wants.

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