Goals

Having spent the best part of 2020 in disruption, mainly due to Covid, we both felt that 2021 should not be a repeat year. After all, things can only get better, right? In all seriousness, missy and I looked at what 2021 might look like for us. Where might kids be in terms of study or work, and would they be spending more time at home! We also have challenges with elderly parents and potentially difficult outcomes there. Employment is obviously high on the agenda, and both our professions have direct links to how we work each time the Government make changes; it’s an ever changing landscape for everyone I know, however, this is about us for now.

Missy wanted to start a Dominant and submissive workbook as a project for the new year and as one would expect, we needed to go first. Missy has published a number of pieces already on her blog, and her in this post you will find my answers to the questions asked and also the goals I have set for me to work on. Some of you may be surprised at the level of basics I have reverted to when you consider we have been doing this for a good number of years now. My response to that would be that each D/s relationship is different, and we live in the real world and not in the pages of fiction. If you ever thought D/s was going to be easy in a married or long term relationship, then I guess you are either very skilled, just plain lucky or have found what work for you! I am no judge for sure, and just to prove it, here we go..

1. What are your Dominant traits and qualities?

Caring – When missy is in distress or discomfort I provide her with the support she needs. I enjoy greatly looking after her.
Sexual control – I enjoy being the dominant during all aspects of kink
Kinky –  I have a inquisitive mind when it comes to kink, and I do really get off being alternative
Adventurous – I’m not one to say no to anything even if it’s just to see where it goes.
Good in a crisis – I am crisis  and response focussed. My planning skills could be improved, however, thinking on my feet is the place I feel most alive.
Calm – I don’t get rattled easily.  I can get very emotional about certain things, however, I am happy to take deep breathes to see where a situation is going.
Resourceful – There is always an alternative in my mind, and whilst I may not be a massive planner, I always know where the exits are and different routes in life to take.
Authoritative – I have been told I have a presence which is a lovely compliment to my mind. If it places people at ease or makes them feel sexually excited, it’s a good one for me!
Creative – I never really considered myself as creative, however, the older I get I have found skills I never knew I had.
Adaptable – Turning one’s hand to a situation takes practice and I guess with age you have more exposure to the world.  Being resourceful certainly helps.
Able to take feedback in a constructive way – I can take feed, but it hurts sometimes and I think always will. If it didn’t then maybe I wouldn’t learn from it.

2. What are the traits and qualities you have which can be a barrier to being Dominant 

Short attention span– I have an annoying behaviour where lack of stimulation enables my brain to seek a more exciting situation.  It doesn’t matter the situation whether it’s a conversation, a  physical task or just thinking.  My mind wanders!
Inconsistent– This may be tied into having a short attention span. Out of sight is out of mind sometimes.  My brain is constantly looking for stimulation and overwrites way too much in terms of things that are routine.

Lack of Physical reassurance – I like, no love, physical contact sexually.  Being touched just presses all my buttons. Without physical connection I distance myself to the point where I feel unloved if that has continued for an extended period of time. 
Not feeling sexually attractive- I’ve always wanted the physique of another person. In my 20’s and 30’s I looked pretty good. Now that the years have taken its toll both internally and externally it can be a mental hurdle. I can’t say that it’s a disability mentally because being the type of person I am, I can adapt, be resourceful and ultimately have a such a short attention span I forget about it!! 
Can be effected negatively by environment – This is a double edged sword.  Being at home when children are also there for extended periods of time, or resident children have a flexible working patterns can have a negative effect on me. I want to be able to express myself verbally and physically to find the inner me. Hotels and private villas have a drug like effect on me. Space, space and more space! I love all my kids, however, I too have a life to live when they are gone!
Wanting to explore/express darkness – I often feel there is a very dark part of me that needs more exploration.  I can express it as it’s just a feeling. During impact play it comes closer to the surface, which I am guessing is my sadistic side. 

What do you want from Dominance? 

I want a submissive wife that will be happy to accept someone making a final decision in lifestyle matters. To be open to many aspects of D/s – Kinky play.  To have order and respect in the relationship.  I want an emotional connection that allows a deep and meaningful growth together. I want our journey to interact with others and it still be about us.

I want to feel sexy, I want to have physical contact. I want to feel in control of my life. I want to be positive. I want to be Happy. I want attention.  I want to lead on ideas regarding planning for our home, children, myself and life in general. I want to feel alive! I don’t want to waste time. I want to own projects that mean things to me and find the time to do them.

3. What are the things that you would like from your Dominance or submission?

Thoughts I would like my Dominance to be more natural, more easily found. I would like not to have my thoughts continually self dismissed and reluctant to raise the issue.  I would like to to be able to maintain a thought that I may have earlier during the day and have it run into the evening.  My mind is sexually driven and not by the actual control of another person to perform tasks. Having a short attention span does not lend itself well to Dominance in that thoughts and feels pass quickly and are over written quite often by irrelevant information. 

Feelings –  I want to feel in control of myself and my sub.  I want the feelings of doubt in myself gone.  I want to feel positive and feel enjoyment. I want to stop feeling an apathy for day to day life.  I have massive feelings of frustration that I cannot express the person I want to be, I can’t find the words or the actions understand them make them a reality.  My mind seeks new stimulation and routine drags me down.

Behaviours – I live an alternative lifestyle but behave in a conservative way.  I enjoy play, but I need more stimulation. Playing with others is a big turn on for me and makes me desire missy more knowing others may have access to her. I want to be in charge of a scene where all my qualities can be used to control a situation, I want that feeling of no barriers so I play with that. My general behaviour towards missy sexually and through dominance is influenced by having her exposed and almost falling apart with humiliation.

4. What do you want from a submissive partner?

I want a submissive who is sexually aware of themselves. To use their sexuality to their advantage and not shield it.  I want my submissive to find creative ways to pleasure their Dom and sometimes surprise him.  I want my sub to be respectful, to be considerate and to voice an opinion if they believe it is in the best general interest of the relationship.  I want to have a close emotional connection with my sub where D/s is a constant. I want my sub to embrace new ideas in the areas of D/s and kink, and to contribute to develop them further.  I do not want negative statements about body image, in fact I want to hear positives and to accept compliments without counter statements. I want my sub to consider my need for sexual contact and to request to provide pleasure for me as a sign of submission.

5. How do you see your D/s as working?

I want to be able to demonstrate dominance through clearer communication and by pushing the submissive areas of my sub.

a. By establishing a daily recognition through an exchange of titles
b. Having a close emotional connection
c. By discussing sex and play more often to improve how we pleasure each other
d. By having rules that keep the connection

Evaluation and goal setting

6. Which are the areas you want to work on?

I have chosen to go for a spread sheet to capture my goals as my brain works better in this respect. The list is complete, it’s a work in progress! If you wish to see it, just hit the download button below.

 

Posted in Building A Dynamic.

6 Comments

  1. “Short attention span– I have an annoying behaviour where lack of stimulation enables my brain to seek a more exciting situation.”

    I laughed out loud at this. I also have this issue and find it makes submission difficult if I’m not stimulated. I can see how this would effect your dominance as well.

    It seems you’re both on the same page (in the real-world, not the pages of fiction). That’s really the best place to be. Anything else is just semantics.

  2. There’s so much information here, and I am in awe of both you and Missy being able to express yourself so clearly. I am planning to work through all of these questions too, but I’m afraid I might draw a blank when I have to come up with my own qualities…
    ~ Marie xox

  3. Good to see a clear plan set out, especially in the form of a spreadsheet. Let’s hope this continues in a positive direction and you can explore more of yourself

  4. So many thoughts about this – it compliments missy’s quite well, so I can see that you will dovetail your goals together with some work and commitment.
    I was surprised how much I could relate to traits you consider your stumbling blocks, and they definitely gelled with what I know of you from our interactions and project participations. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I hope creating a workbook assists you both.

  5. I have found this insight into what you are thinking and feeling about our D/s really helpful. I know that we speak about it but somehow having it written down has allowed more to be captured. We seem to be feeling a lot of the same things which is not surprising I guess so I think it will give us a good basis to create some shared goals. Missy x

  6. Amazingly comprehensive HL – i enjoyed reading it and will come back as it needs to be digested slowly lol
    Seriously wonderful post – I resonated with a few bits –

    “thinking on my feet is the place I feel most alive.” yep – with u there.

    “here is always an alternative in my mind, and whilst I may not be a massive planner, I always know where the exits are and different routes in life to take.” Another MeToo

    “Without physical connection I distance myself to the point where I feel unloved” – i get this too – but it is odd as i don’t necessarily need the sex to be “loving” but if i dont get that physical contact i feel unloved – strange but true 😉

    May x

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