“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” ― W.C. Fields. …

I can’t shake the label that I have been tagged with.  ‘Dominant’ seems to be the word that people in the BDSM world relate to give them a clearer understanding of where you position yourself in a relationship, be it long term, or just a night of fun!  You may assume I have a problem with being called a Dominant based on the previous statement and that’s understandable, although not quite correct.  I am my partner’s Dominant with whom I have a long term relationship both emotionally and physically.  However, I am not your Dominant anymore than I am your man, your human being or your anything else for that matter, unless of course we have previously agreed differently.

The term Dominant conjures up a myriad of images as to what type of person you may be.  You may be bright tiny star giving off an attractive allurement, a glaring sun full of heat and passion, or you could be a cold dark planet that is so mysterious.  For a sub, hopefully you can be all three!  For me I aspire to be just that, a mixture of ever changing temperatures and colours to keep my sub feeling alive and valued. Easier said than done, you quite correctly observe dear reader!

Making a general assumption that someone reading this is new to the Doming world, trying to be a ‘Man for all Seasons’ to quote the Fred Zinnermann film, is no easy task.  Let me give you a true life example..

I have discovered a leaning towards being a sadist. Nothing major you understand, just that I enjoy hitting my sub with hand or toys very hard.  I enjoy it because I like the physical connection, the emotional stimulation, her trust to allow me to do such things, and of course the marks left behind as a reminder.  A week before writing this we agreed to have an impact session. Our two housebound kids (Covid lock down) decided to use the relaxation in rules to leave the house, and left us alone for the first time in months.  This gave us the opportunity to use a heavy impact toy we call the Howler. Made of thick rubber this can slap hard and deliver a punch to the buttocks.  And so with my Dominant and Sadist labels flying in the breeze of flying rubber, I set to work.

We played for quite sometime and Missy, despite getting a real rubbering, did not seem to be using her safe word; so I decided to call it based on my assessment of skin damage and feeling I had taken it far enough for day.  I had been the warm sun to draw her in and then became the cold plant of darkness to allow me to step beyond the realms of our normal BDSM play.  With so many metaphors and labels being brandished I needed a new one, carer.  Beaten and curled into a ball under the duvet with me afterwards we lay in silence until her breathing calmed. We could have lay there for ages if it were not for the kids due back at some point and domestic duties took over.  At this point I now needed some new blank tie-on labels and pen because I have to write some new ones for my self.


We normally play and due to time restraints either fall asleep for the night or bounce back into routine.  I say normally because our play does not normally entail an hour of heavy impact.  This time it did and the situation had changed.  Back in the kitchen Missy is cooking and I am looking at the photos I took during the scene. This is when watching a film you press pause and rewind.  The domestic setting should be Missy sitting with a Gin & Tonic, in a soft seat, whilst I made dinner. I would make a fuss of her and later treat her sore posterior with cream and attention.  This didn’t obviously happen and sucked most of the positives of the scene into a black hole.  This can’t be cast off as a rookie mistake, this was lack of foresight and probably a lack of practice having not done anything like that for months.  I will also throw in my feelings too, as Dom’s feelings are often over looked.

I am not someone who goes about getting pleasure from causing people harm, in fact I cry at airport arrival family reunions, not mine though. I just love babies and I’m a sucker for animals.  Having just caused a large about of pain and marking on someone I love does have an impact on my feelings afterwards, and I guess, not being one to manage such emotions very well, I closed down a bit and shut off my ‘missy’ radar.  A massive mistake on my part as the process for aftercare is not about hot chocolate and a hug, it’s talking about feelings and showing empathy and vulnerability. Missy would have felt closer to me, I to her, and more likely to enter into another heavy scene knowing that the aftercare would be something to look forward to.

Despite any label you may have, you’re still a person, a Dom, that is human, with failings and emotions that need to be shared often and openly. So, my last label that I will write for myself today is, AWARENESS for others, myself and the ever changing relationship I have with my sub/wife/friend/lover.

Posted in Being a Dom.


  1. Thank you for writing this. I would have to say that the responsibility here was a shared one and that the errors made were not made by you alone. I think we both underestimated what was needed and this was a genuine oversight. I loved the fact that you said being a Dom is about so many sides and parts as this is the way that I see it too. We will never be just one thing and so always need to make a label our own. That was a really hot scene btw and I loved my marks so regardless of what did or didn’t happen after, I don’t feel it sucked the positives into a black hole ❤️

  2. I thought that those emotions that you describe are one of a person that truly cares for their partner’s wellbeing. I always think that I can do better, just means I’ll have to try it again next time.

  3. Simply becoming aware of your shortsightedness is a huge lesson, and it shows that you care about your role and her, as a person. Doms aren’t perfect. They are becoming just as subs are becoming. The idea is to become together, and that is exactly what appears to have happened here.

  4. I so often feel like once you have the label of dominant you also have the label of being perfect and managing it all, which is a rather dangerous thing to assume as you’re human too, and all the other things you mentioned.

    I’m quite moved that you’ve shared the full story here. How it seemed rather intense with a connection, when the connection sort of fell apart afterwards. I suppose it’s just something to learn from!

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