I remember the very first day I met you. To the backdrop of noisy children playing Brazilian football I engaged in conversation with your younger sister who was also attending the session with her son. You sat down to my right and your, unbeknown to me, sister on my left. She introduced you to me with the only the vaguest knowledge as to my identity and from that moment I soaked up everything about you. Your hair, the way your jumper hugged your breasts and your jeans that fitted your arse far too well to be legal. When you sat back down out of breath from encouraging your child in activities, I could smell your perfume. I was hooked.
Looking back at that moment 10 years ago seems like yesterday, partly because you have hardly changed in appearance, but mainly because loving you makes time stand still.
By your admission, we would never have been paired in our younger days. An educated middle class girl and an uneducated working class boy from either ends of the country would not have been drawn to one another; although, your looks would have caught my eye having seen your university photographs. It was only in times of adversity did we find each other.
You once said to me that if I kissed you it would never stop there, it would not be enough for me. You were right, and I was consumed. Your energy and sex drive blew my mind, your adventurism matched my curiosity and your draw to kink dovetailed in to mine.
I knew when we got together you would be more than I needed. I would not want anyone else or in fact need anyone else to fill a gap in my life. For the first time in my life I felt complete. But, there was a price to pay. You required a partner who could communicate emotionally, openly discuss issues when they arose and expected me to take the open and honest verbal punches you threw when disappointed. It was a steep learning curve, and is continuous.
What you saw in me back then that allowed you to be seduced has in someways gone into hiding, and yet you still push, pull and challenge me everyday to fight to get that person back. It often feels your love is unconditional, and whilst it may not be for the sake of emotional safety, the strength, perseverance and trust of that love is often overwhelming.
I have had nightmares that you have gone, taken from me, and I wake in a panic to check you are there, still warm and alive. The vacuum that is left by your departure in those dark moments make me realise what it is to have someone that is part of you and not just near you. However, measuring someones value by the impact of their departure is not a true test of love. The true test is when I watch you from afar and realise that we have only really started to explore our relationship, not because there is little in it, more that there is so much scope in the close relationship we have.
I sometimes wonder if I had the opportunity to travel back in time and approach you as a young man and convince you to listen to me so that I could read your future, would you believe it? My conclusion is that you would listen and you would believe it. I see your response being that I had better go away and work on myself as I only have 30 years to prepare for the amount of love you will eventually give me.