When I first entered into the world of D/s I was continually being told that control was the be-all and end-all of of the relationship. To be dominant you not only had to be in control, you really had to get off on it otherwise you were not really a Dominant.
Well for starters, I don’t get off on being in control, at least not in the way you are lead to believe. It was described as being electrically charged, blood pumping and reborn. What a load of tosh. I certainly didn’t feel like a cross between Wonder Woman having a spin and a transforming Incredible Hulk. Instead, I felt love and passion.
Missy’s submission is based on trust, her desire to do things that good girls don’t do, and being able to shed the burden of responsibility by having me take control. I wanted kinky sex, and this opened the door to allow my own kinks to be embraced and experience her’s. The whole control element of it was, and is even now, quite a challenge to me. I do not seek to be in control, or as I have said before, get off on it. However, there are exceptions.
I enjoy looking after people, having influence over the path they chose to take. When things are going badly, I like to find solutions that will make things better. If they are not performing, I like to find ways to help them make improvements, all the while knowing what the negative outcome could be without intervention. I want people to work with me, not necessarily for me. There needs to be self motivation created within them to go the extra mile, push boundaries and ultimately become stronger for it. It’s not a million miles way from control in D/s because after all, control as a standalone concept is quite dangerous. Control obtained through leadership and investment in people is far more balanced.
You would be justified in thinking that these types of leadership behaviours would be easily transferable in a D/s relationship, after all you can see the lines being drawn I’m sure. The one thing that separates the two worlds is deep emotional investment. For me work is a long way from the life I have with missy. The emotional investment far outweighs the feelings of a job-well-done. Control within relationships is a unique environment, mainly due to the personalities involved, and also due to the fact a D/s relationship encourages open two way conversation. Any time that people devote to communication about their relationship will involve things the other person may find hard to hear; not because they disagree, more because the truth can sting a little! Our life is no different and I have made no secret that I have found elements of D/s difficult at times, and still continue to do so. I am not blind to these failings or deaf when it comes to missy’s feedback.
Life can be hard at times, and loss of control whether it be poor health, employment, finance or bereavement make you feel scared. Having strong control measures in a relationship keeps that all together, keeps you on the same path I suppose; but it has to be consistent. My own path with missy is generating consistency so we have foundation to build new experiences with confidence, and know that despite everything else, we can lean on each other for support.