Before starting to write this post I thought I would read a few notes on what physiologists say about sexual fantasy. The main thread was that there is still not enough evidence to conductively map a person’s sexual fantasy to the reasons behind it. So before you go off and spend a load of money on a shrink to find out why Great Aunt Susan’s china figurines were wank material, don’t bother, it’s healthy, probably.
One thing that really did get my attention was a case where a elderly Jewish lady, who had lost her family during the holocaust, fantasied over the thought of being tied naked to an examination table and examined sexually by Nazi doctors. I know, it’s way out there isn’t it and almost inconceivable that a person’s mind could work that way. However, one theory is that the lady, and other people who have suffered past trauma have sexual fantasies about it to create a control mechanism rather than torture themselves further. I cannot really pass comment as I have been lucky enough not have been exposed to such horrible things. Being bullied at school has never created a desire to have anal sex with my tormentors in my dreams, however, based on the previous theory of taking control it is likely I have moved on after 40 years in other ways.
My fantasies of yesterday were very much kept in my head. My ex wife would not have fully understood my fantasies or any suggestion of how they might be realised and would have easily dismissed them. My fantasies of today are very different in that they are out there, in the open, and ready to be discussed and/or explored. Missy and I came to an understanding at some point during our D/s relationship that fantasies were a positive thing if you allowed them to land without judgement. Quite recently we were on a weekend break to attend a wedding, and with so many ladies dressed up we created the term WI-WO, ‘Wife I Would Wank Over.’ It was obviously a little bit of fun and a private joke, however, many couples would not dare to suggest that one partner would want to wank over the image of another woman. It could bring out insecurities or bring up past relationship issues, which according to Freud would be an ideal foundation for a fantasy. There is certainly something in that theory as missy does have some kinks around humiliation which must be tied to her past deep down. We humans are certainly complex bags of water!
My fantasies have been documented on numerous occasions in my blog which involve playing with others, or watching men and women play or fuck missy. I admit that my fantasy world is very hedonistic and full of total abandonment. There are no real rules and full on, which any attempt to translate into the real world would fall short. Real life involves real people with real emotions, and not the world found in the pages of a book, or blog. So, do fantasies play a integral part of our relationship? I would say yes and for many reasons.
To very quickly examine those reasons one has to look at influences. For us they are the written word, photos and interaction with other people, and the output being our translation and discussion. Many things that we would class as fantasy have become reality after discussion and of course, a lot of trial and error. The thing is fantasy has to be fun and certainly entered into with an open mind. We are fortunate that both of us are unlikely to dismiss any idea the other one has out of hand. It may need a tweak or a bit more information but all in all nothing would really surprise us, although I’m open to being shocked!
A percentage of what I write is fiction and within that I do explore certain fantasies. In the Red Assassin I live out my enjoyment of the power I felt in martial arts, the Angry Voice had smatterings of a teenage fantasy of having sex with my friends mothers and The Digger’s Kiss explored my hedonist thoughts of being presented with a cock in group sex.
Going back to the beginning of this post where psychologists consider the concept of trauma being the source of fantasy, I would agree in part only as I have not suffered any real trauma and the twisted corner of my brain only really taps into positive thoughts. I guess there is argument for both, however, I tend to subscribe with the idea that fantasy taps into everything you see, hear and do throughout life. For some of us that means some real weird shit!