Dominance is very much about a state of mind. You may disagree, however, the more I look at it the more I am convinced that the essence of Dominance is a state of mind.  You could argue that any conscious thought is a controlled state of mind, and you would be probably right. After all, how we perceive the world is often how the world perceives us.

state of mind definition: a person’s mood and the effect that mood has on the person’s thinking and behaviour.

I don’t subscribe to the notion that you are either a born Dominant or not.  It’s just hype for chest beaters to show how hairy their palms are in my opinion.  Some of the most charismatic Doms I have met are quietly socialable, environmentally adaptable and not just because of DNA.  I will concede that certain individuals have a greater ability to become leaders, and that has a lot to do with the environment they are brought up in.

So aside from state of mind and being in the right growbag from an early age, what is Dominance to me?  I would say it is having the confidence in one’s self to explore the path that makes you happy, and to radiate that self-belief on to your sub.  Why be a Dom if it doesn’t make you happy?  I have asked that question of myself a few times when I have struggled to get the engine of self-motivation running. When things are not feeling great D/s can seem like one massive pressure wave.  On the other hand, when the sun is out, kids are not around and you can spend time building and consolidating the dynamic, it’s like surfing a different kind of wave!

I want my Dominance to feel natural, not something that you have to try and work out all the time. It’s not some mentally imagined puzzle set by your sub for you to work out. I have found submission to be a half open door in our relationship that just requires the Dominant to step through it unchallenged and welcomed with open arms.

It comes full circle, back to that state of mind business.  Although it’s your head that is doing the work, quite often it’s that gut feeling of, ‘what shall we do today?’  It’s an important question to ask, and equally important to share.  If you are like me, and driven by sexual desire and physical contact, then being a Dominant can be hard work sometimes. Having an expectation of being preened and attended to constantly is unrealistic, and therefore being in the driving seat to make that happen works quite well. Not quite a chicken and egg situation, more of a horse before the cart, just to squeeze in back to back metaphors to close!


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  1. Absolutely true! Dominance is mostly in the head, just as submission is. And yeah, the best dominance is one that feels natural, integrated into who the Dom is as a person. It’s performative, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. For me, when I see other doms, I can often get a sense of whether they’re just doing it as an act or if they’re dominant because it’s a genuine expression of who they are.

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