All Because a Lady Loves…….

I had, what I thought, was an interesting conversation with missy the other day.  It related to maintaining a connection and the type of play we engage in.  Specifically, how can I get missy’s head in a submissive mindset?  Now some of you may be in a place where getting into that mindset is instantaneous and you maintain a permanent dampness down below.  For the 99% of you that doesn’t apply to, you may need a leg up to get you there; and this was the crux of our discussion.

What surprised me was that being a Dom in D/s relationship I had very slowly moved away from being, shall we say, romantic.  The rose in teeth and leaving a box of chocolates on her dressing table before popping out of the window after dark was once the staple diet of our relationship, or something similar.  However, over the last 8 years it appears that I have morphed into someone who is play focussed and rather than stimulate the emotional side of the brain, it’s genital focussed.

Being Dominant is not an easy thing. If it were easy there would be little reward and therefore some mental perspiration is required.  I spend ages trying to work out where things could have gone better, or how to overcome external influences.  What I have not done is chilled out and just enjoyed missy for who she is, rather than trying to engineer her behaviours.  It turns out that during our discussion, going back to basics to reset things after a rough patch, is not just about a spank and the exchange of a few words.  A true reset is about connecting emotionally and recognising the qualities that brought us together.

Please do not confuse this as a misunderstanding on my part of how D/s works.  My view on this is that having missy carry out specific tasks to reinforce the power exchange is one thing, engaging kinky sex is another, and connecting with the person I met years ago on that same level links the former two together.  Being all Dom-ish can be tiring and totally unnecessary every minute of the waking day.  Like standing squinting in the sun, it is sometimes nice to get in the shade and have a good look at what is going on without the heat!

My interpretation is my own, and not necessarily the same as yours. We each do and see things differently, and equally we excel and struggle on different levels.  The common message here is, don’t make things difficult for yourself by trying too hard in one area. It’s all about balance, ying and yang, and occasionally Jekyll and Hyde just to spice things up!



Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged .


  1. I loved the last sentence! I feel like many times I lack in Dom-ish qualities due to my inexperience as a Domme. The teeter without the totter so to speak. So I take a few steps back and try to see it from the submissive side and how I were to react to my Dom. Like you said though it is not a one size fits all and I’m pretty happy with our progress.

  2. I do like the J & H reference in relation to D/s. I might have to steal that for a story.

    I think Mr. D struggles with this, too. It takes a lot, as you point out, to be a Dom. You are always thinking of ways to be better and things to do with and for your sub. It can be easy to get caught up in it and forget she’s your wife or girlfriend or lover, as well. Especially if you thrive on that Dom-y stuff.

    I might have to respond to this topic in my own post today.

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