The first time the word ‘submit’ came into my vocabulary was wrestling with my father as a kid. 1970’s wrestling was a must-watch slot on the Saturday afternoon World Of Sport show. The broadcast always came from places like the Dunsthorpe Community Hall, or the Crickleworth Royal British Legion Community and Red Cross Voluntary Centre. Some real obscure locations that, like the wrestlers of yester year, are all but gone.
“Do you submit?” My Dad would ask as he had me in full Nelson arm lock.
I would wriggle and twist until to the point of pure exhaustion before he would let me get loose and I then do the same to him, although I would never let loose. Being 6’4″, my Dad would stand and as a 6 year old boy I would hold on for dear life until finally I would hear the words, ‘I submit.’
Of course Submission means something entirely different to me now, aside from the occasional CnC role play! If submission comes hard to give by missy, I feel it came harder to accept by me. All of my early adult life I thought I manipulated women to achieve an end goal; now I am older I see this as normal social interaction where who was manipulation who is in doubt! However, I do recall being without female companionship for about 3 months when I was 17. I would go to pubs and feel the words, Desperate, emblazoned on my forehead. A Harry Potter like scar of shame which fortunately didn’t last too long and my wand was soon back in action! Typing this, however, has brought back a memory of one young lady who in her own way did submit to me. She was older than me, had a nice new flat and was infatuated by me. I should say at this point that she did have serious attachment issues which being only 18 I read as me being a real stud! That pack of cards soon collapsed one memorable night…. Anyway, her submission was to offer me everything she had. Time, food, sex, hot baths, clothes, affection and more sex. She did all of this and I assumed she expected nothing back, until one day I stopped giving what little I had been giving and she turned into Annie Wilkes from Stephen King’s, Misery. (Let’s run away from this paragraph fast……………….)
When the more stable version of submission was presented to me by missy, she may have been slightly disappointed. Missy had researched this in-depth as is her nature. I had this delivered to my brain like a big warm custard pie in the face. A surprise for sure that left me stunned for a moment and then with some situational awareness thrown in I realised the pie filling was likely to be quite sweet. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to eat now that it was firmly in my lap! The future presented so many possibilities in this new dynamic is was quite overwhelming and over time some became more important than others.
The submission that missy now offers me is full of conditions. It is not given on a plate everyday without question like room service. It needs to earned in many ways that are personal to her. Her sexual buttons, her emotions, her needs and most of all her love for me. Now you may think I am saying that missy is demanding, which overtly she is not. However, without meeting her emotional needs, her physical ones turn to gray and no longer become a priority, and that’s the rub! I need attention and physical stimulation. It’s the way I am stacked. You want something, flirt with me, scratch my belly and you have my attention. I am not that difficult to work out on the surface. Therefore the balance of emotional and sexual needs have to be equally weighed for us to operate like a well oiled machine.
Missy’s submission is very important to me. First and foremost it gives me a voice in the relationship. Many will think that I should have said that the other way around, but it’s true. A huge amount of men do not have a voice in a partnership, and by that I mean a voice that has content that will be discussed and not used to issue orders. I was married before I met missy, and the destruction of that relationship was down to lack of communication. We operated in different circles within the house and discussed very little. Raising the children after the age of 2 was down to me and therefore I was happy with my tribe of little Me’s running about. Of course that can only last for so long in a marriage before cracks become chasms! With missy we both have a voice that has equal value and as part of her submission she listens, not just hears, but listens. The only downside is that she has a great memory and will quote me word-perfect a year later which has sometimes backfired on me!
Submission is many things to many people. It is an individual as a finger print, as delicate as a pianist’s fingers and as powerful as boxer’s fist! So beware!
I’d be interested to read more about your thoughts on lacking a voice in a relationship, and how exactly D/s has given you the voice you previously felt you lacked. I’m assuming this is related to role delineation within your relationship and related to child-rearing(?), but I also suspect there’s probably more to it than that. Mrs.Fever.com
This could be a long answer if I’m going to a take an honest approach. I suppose in my first marriage I chose to not to have a voice due to apathy. We had drifted so far apart I really didn’t want much from her. In the final two years sex was not even an expectation, and on the rare occasion I was just angry with her for not caring. My kids were my focus and I made that obvious. I had a voice with them, and they certainly had one with me. I had prioritised my life and accepted it.
Having found missy and she finding D/s brought a whole new perspective. To be fair, we were still in our honeymoon phase of the relationship and extremely physical. Communication was great as we were still finding each other and making plans. It was only after a year or two did I realise how organised missy was, and how disorganised I had become. In some sense it was easier to have missy plan for meals, activities for our now family of 7 kids and holidays. She sought my opinion on many things, and I carried tasks using the skills she didn’t. It worked well.
I think it was only when missy came to me with the D/s concept did I realise that she was very much in charge of what was going on and, in some respects, I had become a passenger. There was a real danger that I could become emasculated. To meet me you would find that hard to believe, however, external appearances can be deceptive.
And so, we entered into a Dominant and submissive dynamic, first in the bedroom and then 24/7. Which brings me neatly to ‘the voice.’ Missy could be accused of using too many words by our kids and this is driven by her need for control of a situation to bring things to a close. No door left open! Due to her way of processing a situation it was highly likely that although being asked my opinion, she had already found a solution. This could have a negative effect when missy operates at fibre optic level and I am still on dial-up!
One of the rules we agreed up on was that we would listen more. Take time to stop talking and listen to what the other person had to say and use the information for the greater good. That is how things generally work. I do have the final say in most things, and if I choose not the listen to missy’s opinion, then the fall out is mine to deal with. The repercussions are not just dealing with a broken process, it is also broken trust. If I have acted without consultation, or consideration then there are repercussions. This is not a dictatorship where I am marching about issuing orders, although on occassion it would be save time, however, it may not be the best outcome!
I suppose when I said D/s gave me voice, on reflection I suppose it gave us both ears that worked better and a mouth that knows when to stop making noise!