It’s been sometime since I wrote something personal, for which I really have no excuse other than not having the desire to it. This morning though is different. I came down to the kitchen to be welcomed by our puppy in the usual ‘I’ve not seen your for years’ type excitement and a big smile from missy. Having stood next to my seated sub with my hand on her neck under her long hair, she pressed her face into my stomach and rubbed her self against me. The dog meanwhile sniffed my leg with a cold nose which broke the moment!
With the coffee machine making its usual road digger noise, missy pulled out her lap top and said she wanted to do her Sinfull Sunday post. Was that enough to spur me into a blog-offload session? I think it was. The physical connection, the sun pouring through the canopy of the large chestnut tree that borders our garden and the silence of the house. It all added up to me being relaxed of mind.
I have always been a glass half full person. Occasionlly I have felt that pleased to have any fluid in the glass at all! Over the last couple of years I have been a glass half empty, and for purposes of continuity, there have been times where I could not have given a toss whether there was a glass or not. That is the way of our changing mental state I suppose. If you have a glass half empty it is quite simple for most people to swap that around and have a more positive pespective if they examine the good things in their life; and I am no exception to this, albeit that I recognise you have to give this some focus.
So, now that I have made you completely miserable let me turn my attention to why I opened my lap top today. My management of our D/s has not been great of late. In truth is has been non-existent. We have discussed it and just bimbled along with married life quite happily. This, however, is not the lifestyle we agreed on and to change that, you need to engage with one another. It can sometimes be a challenge to do, have you found that? We have been doing what we do for a few years now and should not come hard, and yet it is. You get to a place where you started out a-fresh, both running around this new playground, to one of you leading and then evolving into a partnership where it’s hard to operate without the other person’s equal input. Now that is a great when you are both firing on all four cylinders, because if one of you starts to mis-fire, the other one is strong enough to keep you going. We have found that occassionally both of us mis-fired and we apply focus to get through. What is left is a dynamic that is emotionally worn out and physical performance is a challenge. Please forgive the engine reference but pistons pumping up and down seemed appropriate!
We are five weeks into missy’s six week break from education. However, this has not been relaxing as there is no holiday in the Italian sun this year. I am travelling back and forth abroad for work, we have various pockets of children staying, my parents, and family from America. It has be a challenge.
In the centre of all of this is us, HL & missy. The two people that keep the plates spinning for everyone else, or stop them from breaking might be a better decription! Like all parents, when a plates smashes who get the call out of the blue to put it back together again?
My role is to ensure that I keep missy the centre of my attention and to provide reassurance that life is going ok and we are all moving in the right direction. That can only be done through action and communication, not teleapathy! Without trying to sound too sentimenal, my life at times before missy was glass half empty, and for the most part since its brim filleth over! It is so easy to let life provide excuses for inaction.
My writing inspires me, not becasue I am a good writer, but because managing my emotions does not come easily and this is a form of validation I’m on the right path again. This week two men have contacted me and wanted to talk through their D/s relationship and asked for advice. I’m never keen on advice giving, so I provide examples of how things worked for me, or equally, how they didn’t work! What I discovered was that their issues are the same as mine, and having discussed it gave me clarity on my own relationship. So I raise a glass (half full or empty) to those who ask for help and either have an epiphany or just want some reassurance that falling off the wagon is okay and not to give up chasing it We all need a leg up sometimes!
Great post HL – as always!
I love the honesty in your work.
I’m often surprised how the different people I follow appear to have the exact same issues with relationships. Then I realise that this is not a fairy story and that we all live in the real world. Reading how others deal with these hiccups can also help to give some objectivity to the way you think. Thank you HL.