It’s Okay To Be Not-Normal


There’s always chat about vanilla and non-vanilla activity in a D/s relationship.  They are only words that help people understand what’s going on at the time, a bit like ‘You Are Here’ on a laminated tourist map. I’m sure you have your own thoughts on such terms and whether you like them or not.  I tend to get the impression they are used with a negative undertones quite often, and I think that is unnecessary.
‘Oh we had vanilla sex last night’ or ‘we are behaving like a vanilla couple,’ I hear, but it’s not the words, it’s the tone in which it is delivered.

Now, why do I raise the point?  Simply because missy and I have not been so proactive in terms of our D/s relationship.  I have not been overtly dominant and she has not been overtly submissive; the two are obviously indexed linked. The reason for this is illness, and you know what?  It’s okay, it really is!

We have not spoken about it at length, however, we have mentioned it, apologised and smiled.  Now there may be some people who read this and have a different opinion in the way me manage things, and that’s okay, each to their own.  What I want to emphasis it that is it okay to be not-normal. Everyone has off days, sick weeks, family problems and all sort of other distractions.  Please don’t go beating yourself up over it and thinking you have failed and self-flagellation is the only option.  As long as you acknowledge your surroundings and discuss what is going on, you won’t end up getting lost!

Image: DeviantArt

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged , , , .


  1. There is something to be said for light and shade. The times when you are enjoying a more vanilla lifestyle will enable you to appreciate the D/s more fully when you are back to health.

  2. Agreed. There are different types of Dominance. Or different ways of expressing it.

    Just as you lead others a bit differently depending on the personality type, I lead my sub in ways which are congruent with the current situation.

    I hope whoever is ill gets better soon. Curvey and I have had our encounters with illness a few times.

    The thing that keeps me going now thru such times is knowing all of these moments are transient. We will be back to hanging from the chandelier soon. You two as I well, I pray.

  3. If I may take the metaphor and run with it, vanilla is a default flavor. It goes well with many life circumstances and doesn’t generally conflict with the taste of other things the universe throws at us. We may all have another flavor (or more) that we prefer, but for the most part, if all that is served is vanilla, we can hopefully enjoy the sweetness until we can make our preferred choice again.

    Sometimes, you get to a place where your options are unlimited and you’re able to pick and choose your flavor combinations and put all the toppings on it. If you’ve been having vanilla because it’s all that’s available, it’s better to enjoy it and plan a date night to an ice cream shop than it is to complain and lament the lack of your favorite.

    Vanilla is not bad. It feeds the connection until we can make a different choice. At least we get dessert!

  4. An inflexible dynamic is doomed in my opinion…. you have to allow for life… illnesses, new challenges etc. I know MrH always relaxes things for me when I’m extra stressed… like right now- as I’m adjusting to my new job, I’m tired and distracted, and he’s supportive and helps me to relax.. I hope Missy feels better soon..

Please leave a thought if you have one..

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