It’s Happened Again, and I’m Annoyed

imogi face

Today I read a post that spelled out what a Dominant must be. In fact it didn’t just say what a Dominant must be, it told the reader what you have to be in order to be an effective one.  You “have to know yourself at sacred level” and “be hungry for it” and “if you were truly meant for this, you would not want to not do these things” they said. Oh bollocks!

To be fair to the author, I do appreciate the emotion and depth of feeling in the post. It was not lost on me, I’m not entirely stupid. However, I really dislike this kind of generalisation for two reasons:

  1. I immediately measured myself against the statements in the post and found myself wanting. Now that may be considered a naive thing to do, but hey, I’m human! Many of the things listed I do not live up to, and maybe this irritated me? I do not always feel hungry to be a Dominant male or even know myself on a sacred level.  I am who I am, and I try to be a better person on many levels.  Now, many people are ultra-focussed, goal orientated, out for the kill, my way or no way and are Doms. Fortunately for everyone the Doms who are ultra focussed, and write, tend to be more considered and have a little tolerance for those that don’t meet their personal standards.  Then there is a group of people who have no experience for the other side of the fence that spout claptrap.
  2. This is the important one for me. People trying to get into the role of a Dominant, either through self discovery or their partner bringing it to them, are already on the back foot.  The bar has been set so damn high with the aforementioned statements that they may not reach it or for that matter never reach it because they are who they are, an individual.

On Tuesday night missy and I hosted one of our usual SWC chats with a group of Doms and subs from various parts of the globe. The assembled people are all at various stages of their relationships and have different ideas on kink. Despite all our differences, the one common thread in our discussion on  ‘D/s maintenance‘ was the pressure they feel to be something they are not.  The acceptance saying ‘your kink is not my kink (and that’s okay)’  should be mirrored, in my opinion with ‘your D/s is not my D/s (so back the fuck off!).’

Living in a married or LTR has all the luggage that goes with it from blocked toilets to teenagers with growing pains.  It was generally agreed in our chat that having a degree of general maintenance processes keeps the old bad behaviors at bay, however, trying to live up to the impossible roles portrayed in pulp fiction or occasional club players is both fool-hardy and generally detrimental to the relationship.  Fictional Dominant and submissive writing is great and can be really sexy as it pushes boundaries that you too may want to try yourself one day;  yet please don’t measure yourself against it in terms of your own competence. It’s like reading about Superman and thinking you can fly without a passport and ticket. Find what works for you, do it slowly, experiment and above all, try to communicate with empathy. There’s a lot emotions flying around without the distraction of those who shout the loudest!


Posted in Dominant Reflections and tagged , , .


  1. Most of those “my way is the only way” blogs should have “Poser alert!” and “Detrimental to your peace of mind” stamped on them. Good post, HL. — AJT

  2. Thanks for the post, HL.
    My main point, was that you can’t be something you’re not driven to become. The one requirement of all things in life is to live your personal truth. Otherwise, are you truly living? ? you’ve given me some points to consider.

  3. Paraphrasing from Malvolio in Twelfth night. ‘Some may be born great, some may achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon themselves.’ Different paths, some easier than others, but still a journey.

  4. This is exactly the point I was trying to get across to a friend who is in the early days of his first D/s relationship. As a Dominant he feels like he is not good enough for her submission. They are both reading guides, which I said is great for learning about safe practises, but I have urged him to never try to conform to someone else’s style and standards of D/s.

    New people bring out different things within even the most experienced dominant. Not being the same as someone doesn’t make you LESS THAN them.

    Great post.

  5. “if you were truly meant for this, you would not want to not do these things” I’m positive there are days that MisterMan would be happy to not to be dominant. And he’s rarely overtly dominant. He’s always been a laid back and go with the flow kind of guy. But there are times he really enjoys exercising his dominance. And that works for us. There is no “one true way” “one size fits all” “you must be this way/do it this way” for D/s to work.

    I love this post, HL. It shows that we need to find what works for us and our relationship for this to work. We are all different, but we want similar things. I love going to SWC and chatting with others, seeing the differences and similarities, helping others, and gaining new ideas and insights.

  6. Post hits close to home for me. One of the biggest hurdles I’ve had to climb in my first year acting as a dedicated D for kit was rectifying the situation that kit was not respecting me as her Master because I was so far from the ideal she had spent reading about in these absolute ‘fantasy’ ideal scenarios for so many years.

    It builds impatience in a submissive dealing with a novice Master that can lead to a lot of subversive friction if not properly addressed.

    Though it does come back to the original intended point. Without proper motivation and a drive to make our relationship work, I would never have endured this first hurdle. You do have to want it badly enough or it simply won’t work.

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