Starting Out


Since we started the SWC I have had the pleasure of reading the hopes, dreams and exasperations of both subs and Doms.  One recurring theme is the sometimes disparity between a couples’ starting point into D/s and the speed at which they move forward.

It is pretty safe to say that the first one over the start line will have an advantage and will probably maintain that lead for a while. Not unlike a race involving cars, it is usually the bends that slow the momentum, where mistakes are made and those behind catch up.  A new D/s relationship is very similar.  It is usually the first bend in the track that will cause things to slow, and this could be a chance for both partners to evaluate what is going on and catch up.

Introducing the Tortoise and the Hare at this point may be a bad example of a new D/s couple, however, in many cases the leader, who can quite often be the sub, has to wait for the other person to catch up.  While the Tortoise is plodding along trying to do their best, the Hare is busy taking time out to look at the view, or in real terms, learning even more information to weigh down the already struggling half shell.

This is where the Hare starts to get frustrated, maybe impatience creeps in, and this vibe is probably lost on the Tortoise because they are too consumed with taking steps they can manage and possibly focused on just the physical part.  The sex that may come with the D/s relationship is only a piece of smooth flat ground that appears to be an easier ride, for it is the emotional bond that ties you together, not the rope and handcuffs.

Finding yourself behind the curve can be a bit daunting and when your grasp of the subject is not as easy to come by as some of the things you have done in the past, that too creates stress.  Is this all doom and gloom? Certainly not I reply!  Like all journeys there should be a pit stop to repair and take a rest. This shouldn’t be confused with the Tortoise finally arriving at a bend in the track to find the Hare fast asleep under a tree; this is a planned break, a time of reflection on how the journey has gone before and not what necessarily lays ahead.  Planning for the next step is key, however, assessing your progress as individuals and as a couple is more important I would like to think.  Without meaning to throw in more fable based metaphors, a house is only as strong as the foundation, just ask a little pig!

So how do we manage this knowledge gap? Ironically, I would argue that a D/s relationship is not a race, there is no end goal or trophy to put in a cabinet. I would say it was more of a road trip. A journey that has a plan, a few surprises, a few disappointments, and eventually your list of directions will end up back where you started. You may have changed somewhat since setting out and once you have evaluated your journey, like looking back at a selection of selfies, you can plan your next trip somewhere a bit more exotic with less Tortoises and certainly less Hares!


Originally published 09.04.12 from as it was looking a bit pale and needed sunlight.
Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged .

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