That clock up on the wall was tickin’

And the weeks fly by and the years roll on
Sometimes dreams are all you got to keep you going when the day gets long
And you gave up so many just to make a livin’
That clock up on the wall was tickin’

Brandon Flowers

This post could start, ‘Dear Diary, it’s been a while,’ or ‘Father, it’s been 29 days since my last confession.’  Although not being Catholic, or of any denomination for that matter, my posts do often resemble a confession of some sort.  I’m sure some people would like a Dom to post an Alpha (Chest Beating) Male statement of manliness. However, many of you have grown to realise that this is not what you will find printed in these pages.  Hidden in the words I type is a confession of sorts, or even a faint cry for help at times.

Currently I am propped up on a hotel bed in Dubai on business trip with glass of water for company.  It has been almost a calendar month since my last post and that is really down to lack of inspiration to share anything. Tonight, however, is different.

For the last two years my positive mental state has been in decline.  Very slowly I have allowed a rot, similar to rising damp, seep into my walls and erode the foundation that props me up. Like most strong walls, the exterior is the last to show the damage within, and by then the only treatment is to be extreme by stripping off the glossy surface and to scrape out the rot.  Being a Dom requires, above anything, the need to want to do it.  I have a had little need to want anything. It is not a conscious decision, it just is; and like the song title above says, ‘That clock up on the wall was tickin.’

I have had enough of feeling like a former self.  In fact it sickens me to contemplate, even  for a minute, that someone (me) can just exist and take limited enjoyment of the fantastic things around them. I accept that there is no blame here, but equally I also accept there is no excuse for ignorance as that is a weak defence on all levels.

Taking a step back into the lime light is a big decision. You don’t want to disappoint yourself and make the situation worse and also you don’t want to let other people down as though it is a false promise. Grand gestures are not required, it is the ones of substance that are!  Being accountable for your actions is a must, and if like me you have been loved and nurtured during your spell of walking in the woods, that may not have been the most effective medicine despite best efforts. Sometimes you need a strong person to read your future!

Look upon this as my rebirth, a born again effective human if you will.  I will start writing about positive things accurately and honestly. Tales of kick ass and go fuck your self to those who keep me down. From accident insurance sales people who call at 6pm most nights and ask me if I have had an road crash in the last 5 years,  through to all the opportunities yet to be discovered by my lack of inertia.  My cupboard of kinky tools and toys will yet again be opened fully, and my sub who has patiently waited, will once again look worried when I order her to strip naked.

So, ‘let the weeks fly by and the years roll on’ and in their wake leave a trail of happy memories and fulfilled plans, for life is way too short to be thinking about what to do, it’s the doing that gets things done.

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “That clock up on the wall was tickin’

  1. I’m so glad your mental state has recovered some, HL!

    “Tales of kick ass and go fuck your self to those who keep me down.”
    – Fight back! Bite back!
    – Stronger, higher, faster!
    – Thought you might like some of my mantras 🙂

    “Hidden in the words I type is a confession of sorts, or even a faint cry for help at times.”
    – I think it’s a great show of strength to dare to know your vulnerability and then share it with others.
    – I really admire people who can do that and rarely associate with those who can’t.
    – So good on ya!

    “My cupboard of kinky tools and toys will yet again be opened fully, and my sub who has patiently waited, will once again look worried when I order her to strip naked.”
    – Sounds like Missy is in for a ride 😉
    – I love how both of you support and love each other through the storms. It’s pretty inspiring.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lion

    Don’t look back. Look forward only. Forget what has happened in the past and focus on what you want to achieve in the future. Look after yourself.

    Like

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