Cause and Effect

causeI finally managed to get an hour of Missy’s time alone on Saturday morning before any of the kids got out of bed.  We were up early for a Sunday and had wiggle room to get some D/s(ing) in.

“I would really like fuck you,” I said, “but I think we should talk instead, we haven’t for a while.”  Missy looked at me and said, “Well you could fuck me anyway if you wanted, I am yours.”  She was right, I could do what I wanted, however, circumstances over the last couple of weeks have gone against me to communicate effectively.  “Let’s go and talk over breakfast, I said.

Now normally I wouldn’t share the contents of our private conversations, however, I discovered something that could help me in my quest to be an effective Dom, and maybe others.  We were discussing on the SWC the other night the virtues of Domestic Discipline. We are both aware of DD and how it all works in principle, however, we made a conscious decision not to go down that route as we were not interested in punishments etc. Now for those of you in a DD relationship, that last statement may have produced a sharp intake of breath over our narrow vision of DD.  Please do not be offended as this was only one element of DD we didn’t feel comfortable with, the rest is perfectly fine!

As part of our relationship, Missy has a number of things I would prefer she did to keep herself healthy.  I admit that although she is very good at doing them, like all of us she can let things slip, or I allow them to!  They are simple tasks: Drink water during the day, exercise regularly and avoid unhealthy food.  All of these things she would like to do and not be distracted from them. However, life throws things at you and priorities get a lower ranking.

We need something to keep us both straight, that we agreed on.  A tool that would keep boundaries in place for both of us.  Having some experience in raising children, we tend to follow the rule of having clear boundaries and an understanding of what the outcomes are if these perimeters are breached.  A simple case of cause and effect falls into place.  So, if it works for the kids, why shouldn’t we apply that to our D/s relationship?

I should be clear that we do not have predetermined punishments for the children. Being too prescriptive would not allow for us to parent in a dynamic way as each of our children are unique and what works for one, will not work for another. In truth we do follow a punishment regime, more of a reflective and restorative approach.  I assure you the kids hate it and would prefer a bawling!

In D/s though, we can be, as we are only dealing with one person.  We have therefore agreed on suitable punishments should Missy not do the things she has asked me to manage.  I now have a tool to follow up with, and a clear measurement of success.  Before there was no incentive for Missy to do the agreed task, other that self discipline, and I was inconsistent and distracted by everyday events.  No so now, as both of us have a shared aim that is structured and with purpose; I also have to lead by example of course!.

Maybe we should have considered punishments earlier on and not dismissed them as something we do not do?  D/s allows you to play around and be flexible to try new things that were not previously accessible, so there’s little mileage in giving one’s self a good talking to for not getting it right.

Missy and I know that our D/s journey has no end and everything is a real possibility and a potential opportunity.

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic.


  1. You did what felt right for your dynamic at the time, it fit the current circumstances. Things have changed a bit and you are modifying your processes to fit your circumstances now. MrMan and I tweak our D/s when ever it needs it. You don’t actually have to have punishments in a DD relationship just accountability. DD is to help you both be more disciplined in the areas that matter to you.

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