I'm a confident person. I quite like large crowds, rooms full of strangers and new places. There's an edge to it I quite like, a challenge. I think it comes from being an only child and having parents, who despite not being well off, travelled a lot when young. On more than one occasion a relative would comment, "That boy's got more front than Harrods!" Should an explanation be required, it simply translates as a young person with a lot of confidence, and I had bags of it! I was not a precocious little brat, far from it. My father's family lived through the war in Victorian built slums and my mother's father owned an ironmongers shop. There's was no time or room for attention seeking screaming kids.
I have rarely hesitated at all through life. I have bounced from one position to another having been rejected by numerous interview boards for many years, however, like ocean waves, every seventh one or so it produced a larger advancement. 'Keep going, never give up and believe in yourself' was a moto I read in a kids' adventure book and I stuck by it; and remained a kid well into my late twenties!
So, why is it now, when faced with a great adventure do I find myself hesitating? Where is he going you may ask? What far flung land of danger is he facing? It is the uncharted lands of Domination that I refer to. I find hesitation every so often and it is centred around accepting my wife's submission. Now some of you may think that is a strange fence to fall at, and some, I know for sure, do not.
My problem is that I always second guess a person's response. It's not insecurity more self preservation, or is that the same thing just dressed up? My wife says, "I want to be your submissive and for you to be my Dominant husband. With in reason you can take me sexually in any way you wish and at anytime as long as it is safe in every respect. I would like you to control me, guide me and love me." Now would a person make that request if they hadn't thought it through first? If you knew my wife, that would be seen as a stupid question. So after three years in a 24/7 D/s relationship why do I still hesitate?
I like helping people. No really I do, genuinely. I do not think 'what I am getting from the experience,' I just know it feels nice to contribute; It's a win-win I suppose. So when I ask my sub to do something for me, based on everything I have said so far, you may be fooled into thinking that I would accept a possible win-win situation in reverse? Well, 90% of the time I do, however, that 10% always arrives at the most inconvenient time. It is usually when distance has been created between us by external forces. That link we have has been stretched and we haven't bounced back into being us.
Writing this I see more clearly why and when the 10% creeps in. Odd why I didn't see that before as it seems so illuminating obvious, a bit like Harrods of Knightsbridge on a dark night! Now that I see this, I find it hard to conclude this post, so I'll take the easy route out and ask you dear reader if hesitation comes to you in D/s and why?