In The Beginning

BxNWTDmCIAAv6-0I don’t think I have ever taken the time to reflect on the opening days and weeks of my life in a D/s relationship. I may have dabbled a toe, but never have I written something for a person about to start a D/s lifestyle would find helpful.  You should know that I am overly critical of myself and I do not do this to seek validation from my sub. I do this to make sure I don’t get to big for my boots and become domineering.

Our relationship started out as friends in a wider circle for a long time and after a stormy period of many years in our respective marriages we separated and (to cut a long story short) we got together and finally two years ago, we got married. We have 7 children between us and parents who are between 70 – 80 years of age. I lump those groups together as they are our priority beyond the two of us.

Sexually we were very well matched. Both of us wanted to experiment and we evolved in to pushing a few boundaries.  Due to our previous relationships we carried a little bit of baggage and a few insecurities.  On reflection these unwelcome guests dictated our behaviours at times and really were not productive.

Missy had been reading a fair amount of erotic fiction on line and had one or two paperbacks from years back. She suggested I read some stuff she had on women’s erotic fantasies as she thought I would enjoy them, and she was right.  I swapped my usual reading list to some cheesy Dom sex club stuff which was okay.  When FSOG came out my Mother (yes my Mother)  suggested the book to Missy.  I suppose that may have got the ball rolling. I have to ask, what the hell was my 75 year mother doing reading FSOG? Both Mum and Dad are on heart tablets!!

One day she asked me if I would like to become her Dom (Missy, not my Mum). She explained what she saw would be the benefits for both of us and why she thought it would work for us.  To be honest, I thought what she was asking was a fantasy or something that other people did. I couldn’t mentally apply that to me and struggled with the concept.  Now you may be thinking what was hard to accept: Sex on tap, kinky sex, submission and respect?  I can only say that it was like someone giving you the keys to the world fastest car and being told, “Go on, see what she can do.”  The concept is great but the reality is a little scary.  Whilst I’m using metaphors another way to view it would be the idea of having 10 naked women on a large bed waiting for you on the other side of a door. It sounds amazing, stuff dreams are made of, all that beautiful skin just waiting to ravage you. So why are you still biting your thumb and shaking with your forehead against the door?  It’s just apprehension getting the adrenaline pumping isn’t it?  Once the car starts and you have worked out the gears, you’re away off down the track and whilst nervous, the engine is roaring and all is good; just like the guy behind the door, when he walks into the light and arms and legs wrap around him, he just goes with the flow.  That’s D/s in the beginning, all fast cars and lots of naked women; oh sorry that’s the fiction books kicking in again!

It took me ages to understand the whole idea what I had to do. I’m very practical and can grasp most things if I apply myself, however, this was different.  I am a gentleman and have good manners, respect for people and in particular my wife.  To suddenly have a open season on a whole list of kinky we subsequently discussed was a lot to take in.  The emotional red line went off the graph as I made mistake upon mistake. However, none of that really mattered because we were both at the same point and we were learning.

I found a resource on line and spoke to other people with sound advice who were either new or had some experience. I took what worked for me and discarded the stuff that didn’t.  Our relationship became evolutionary and fluid whilst we managed the highs and the lows.  We worked out what behaviours pissed each other off, what sexual things we liked and what we thought we would try later.  It opened up a whole new playing field  for conversation.

You get a ton of advice when starting out and most of it is relevant. I will state in writing the things that helped me in the very beginning:

  1. Don’t forget that D/s is a lifestyle, not Oxygen. You will survive without it, but it adds add a certain something.
  2. Put your dignity in the trash can and be as open an honest as you can.  You will waste so much time worrying about what the other person will think.
  3. Always strive to put the other person’s needs first and insist they do the same. Life is so much better when their is selfless commitment.
  4. Take small steps and reflect a lot.
  5. Don’t try to impress other people or follow their pace. Take the advice, discuss it and write you own future.
  6. Have fun!

Web based communities like The SafeworD/s Club are great for meeting people in a safe environment and getting access to resources.

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged .


  1. HL, thank you for writing this and sharing! It very timely for us. Sayyid was just saying how we are new and need to give ourselves time to learn and adjust. I will forward this to Sayyid who will hopefully read it.

  2. Sorry I can’t remember a single thing you wrote expect the stuff about your mum. Hilarious! I love that a 75 yr old gave missy the book…your mum rocks!

  3. I can’t remember a me, before the me I am now. But I see the change in others. I am happy that this world has opened up for you. Its a completely new perspective and in more than a few ways, that’s a really good thing.

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