For the masochists amongst you (yes you know who you are) that follow both my and Missy’s site, you will pick up on an overlap of our lives in our writing. Missy recently wrote about us having a discussion to establish our dynamic further by understanding our perspectives on certain issues; After all, we are evolving on a day to day basis and it’s import to check in from time to time.
On this particular occasion Missy asked to be controlled more to develop her submission, however, she openly admitted that she didn’t like being told what to do and this was causing her some angst. I can honestly say that I do see her point of view as I too dislike being told what to do. I like engagement, cooperation, team work and quite often, me being in charge!
So what do you do with a sub who doesn’t get any real pleasure being ordered to do things? For me, I asked more questions and hoped that she could articulate herself to match my understanding, which quite often is about 3 minutes behind hers.
During this discussion we established a few more things. Firstly, I get more pleasure from her showing her submissive ‘talents’ voluntarily and without being prompted. Secondly, I get less pleasure from having her do things for me if I ask her. I am more than capable of delegating, and where situations arise, where help is needed I will ask. Tasks for tasks sake really do not float my boat and can be quite disingenuous if there is no real purpose.
Now you may be thinking that this is not a D/s relationship? Where is the ‘suck me now and be grateful that I’ve told you to do it’ factor? Well, one of underpinning elements of our contract is that we always consider each other first. Before doing anything, we consider the impact on the other person. What can I do to make their life more pleasurable?
We have a good understanding of each other’s needs and as such being dominant through continual manipulation of her life’s thread is not necessary. In the bedroom, however, this takes on a completely new guise. Missy loves being sexually dominated. She does not want to think about how things were planned, she wants to relax, immerse herself in the sexual depravity that we both enjoy. She trusts me to break her but not damage her, to inflict pain but leave not permanent scars and to ensure that her welfare comes before my enjoyment.
Our dynamic is our own and conforming to stereo types isn’t our ethos. I offer leadership, support and guidance to our family and to my sub. She offers the same in return but on another level. Captains operate on one platform and Lieutenants on another. Our daily rituals keep our mindset and wherever we can we uphold them. If we forget to do something it is usually because we are distract by something immediately more pressing, that’s life I’m afraid! However, we usually recognise the failing and acknowledge it.
It would be nice to think that we can lives as a mirror image from the best bits of the things we read but that isn’t realistic. Just because you don’t have a fully equipped dungeon, a Dom that’s smouldering hot all the time or a sub that’s stepped out of a teenage boy’s fantasy, does mean what you do or have isn’t D/s. The concept isn’t copyright with infringement clauses, it’s the two of you, and the world you create.
I thought you were a Major hehe.
I don’t like being told what to do either but I need to be a space, which I am in most times, to follow orders without questioning or grumbling! I’ve learnt to have the angst or resentment from being told what to do but i’m a slave so I had to deal with it! But Missy is not.
How you word things might help like “whenever you go to the kitchen can you fetch me tea?” and “I would fancy a back rub today, dear”. It leaves your requests open-ended which she might be more receptive to and it is within parameters so she has some control but knows she still has to get it done.
You can do generalizations (not sure if that’s the right word) or wider parameters like she has to offer you a bj twice a week or she has to (insert something anal here) once a week.Or say today i’m gonna call you and you are to get me a drink and go under my desk etc etc.
It would be nice if some of those requests were about her and it might make her more willingly when the requests are for you, that is if that would work for you and her.
I hope that you don’t mind if I respond to this a little bit, Sir. I do think that I need to get better at following instructions and commands outside the bedroom. I would like to be able to do this more quickly and without an internal commentary running in my head as to why or what or how, which is what sometimes can happen. I think that this will be a positive as it will allow me to give more, to submit more, and for you to feel confident and get more enjoyment from actively dominating me. I often wonder how much my expression or my tone puts you off asking for some of the things that you want and I do think that I will get better with practise.
What I also tried to explain was that I didn’t mean that I wanted you to spend the entire day instructing me and issuing commands. I think that would be tiring and unrealistic for you and would make me feel a bit robotic. Within any relationship are the personalities and the things that draw you together and I have never wanted to lose ourselves to this, more to improve the way interact together. It is not about changing ourselves but about becoming better versions of ourselves if that makes sense.
Being told what to do does not really turn me on unless there is a sexual element to it so if you tell me to wash the dishes it will only be my hands which will get wet. If you tell me to go and put in a plug and then wash the dishes while you watch me then it may have a different result. Having said that, I want to make you happy and please you and if there is something that you would like or need then I want you to ask me to do that for you, and domestic or other chores may all be part of that.
The last thing (trying hard not to make my comment longer than your post – eek) is that I have noticed that as a couple we both like doing things for each other. We have built this into our life both in and out of the bedroom and that part is working well. If I do something for you, then the thinking engages me actively with thinking in a submissive way and I don’t want to lose that. Your reaction to those acts is always far more positive than your reaction when I complete a given task for you and I like that. You have said that it makes you feel wanted when I do things spontaneously for you and that you want me to show you that. I like to know that I have genuinely pleased you and I think it is the engagement that is key. I have voluntary engaged with trying to please you and that seems to stir something in you. So to say to me, I would like you to try to do something special for me today might allow us both to engage with the outcome on a deeper level than asking directly for a particular thing, although I do want that part of it too as I want to meet you needs, please you, and make your life easier and better.
Thank you for your brief follow up Missy. I can assure readers that this is considered ‘brief’ for a teacher! I agree that a task in isolation can produce a response that is by definition, isolated. Combinations and threads for activities produce a far more attractive tapestry. Your submission is very much valued as is feedback.
You are clearly not doing D/s the way this one thing I read somewher by some other person says you’re supposed to! Thanks for writing this.
When we first got started we tried to follow rules and directions that some other (mostly well-intentioned) folks had set out. We learned a lot from it but sometimes the directions just didn’t make sense for what we wanted to accomplish. Eventually we realized that we needed to leave those rules and definitions and labels to one side and follow our own emotional map and compass to get where we wanted to be. I’m happy with where we’re at now, as well as where we’re going… but some days it makes it hard to explain to others what exactly it is we’re doing. 🙂
Everyone wears clothes to keep warm and everyone has a different way of wearing them. We are all still warm in our own way!