For the masochists amongst you (yes you know who you are) that follow both my and Missy’s site, you will pick up on an overlap of our lives in our writing. Missy recently wrote about us having a discussion to establish our dynamic further by understanding our perspectives on certain issues; After all, we are evolving on a day to day basis and it’s import to check in from time to time.
On this particular occasion Missy asked to be controlled more to develop her submission, however, she openly admitted that she didn’t like being told what to do and this was causing her some angst. I can honestly say that I do see her point of view as I too dislike being told what to do. I like engagement, cooperation, team work and quite often, me being in charge!
So what do you do with a sub who doesn’t get any real pleasure being ordered to do things? For me, I asked more questions and hoped that she could articulate herself to match my understanding, which quite often is about 3 minutes behind hers.
During this discussion we established a few more things. Firstly, I get more pleasure from her showing her submissive ‘talents’ voluntarily and without being prompted. Secondly, I get less pleasure from having her do things for me if I ask her. I am more than capable of delegating, and where situations arise, where help is needed I will ask. Tasks for tasks sake really do not float my boat and can be quite disingenuous if there is no real purpose.
Now you may be thinking that this is not a D/s relationship? Where is the ‘suck me now and be grateful that I’ve told you to do it’ factor? Well, one of underpinning elements of our contract is that we always consider each other first. Before doing anything, we consider the impact on the other person. What can I do to make their life more pleasurable?
We have a good understanding of each other’s needs and as such being dominant through continual manipulation of her life’s thread is not necessary. In the bedroom, however, this takes on a completely new guise. Missy loves being sexually dominated. She does not want to think about how things were planned, she wants to relax, immerse herself in the sexual depravity that we both enjoy. She trusts me to break her but not damage her, to inflict pain but leave not permanent scars and to ensure that her welfare comes before my enjoyment.
Our dynamic is our own and conforming to stereo types isn’t our ethos. I offer leadership, support and guidance to our family and to my sub. She offers the same in return but on another level. Captains operate on one platform and Lieutenants on another. Our daily rituals keep our mindset and wherever we can we uphold them. If we forget to do something it is usually because we are distract by something immediately more pressing, that’s life I’m afraid! However, we usually recognise the failing and acknowledge it.
It would be nice to think that we can lives as a mirror image from the best bits of the things we read but that isn’t realistic. Just because you don’t have a fully equipped dungeon, a Dom that’s smouldering hot all the time or a sub that’s stepped out of a teenage boy’s fantasy, does mean what you do or have isn’t D/s. The concept isn’t copyright with infringement clauses, it’s the two of you, and the world you create.