I read a blog post by Kayla Lords discussing the management of situations where one party is aggrieved by another. I liked the post as it rang true on a couple of levels. Like Kayla, my wife and I were married to other people before we got together. We knew each other socially in a wider group, however, that was years before we got together and D/s came to us. In both our former marriages communication was a major show stopper in both terms of lack of, or miscommunication.
Now, I don’t think I’m of below average intelligence, nor do I think I’m ignorant of other people’s feelings. However, sometimes I’m not that acute to subtle signals that all may not be well in His Lordship’s castle. I do prefer a more direct explanation of where the digression may have occurred. I’m not keen on crosswords, or puzzles for that matter, so the use of sarcasm or sour flavoured comments falls on deaf ears.
Fortunately, our D/s relationship doesn’t play with metaphors or cheap digs. Missy may ask me to support her in something, whether it be an errand or general assistance, and wherever possible it will happen. Sometimes though, I may be distracted or forget during the day and of course when someone relies on another for support, it’s very annoying when you’re let down. Despite this, we have a rule in our contract that prevents either being disrespectful, in any form, and there’s the issue in my mind, respect.
It’s so easy when you’re hurt to be bloody minded, spiteful or vengeful. It comes naturally as it’s a defence mechanism within all of us, it’s part of the fight or flight reaction. If you’re wounded, you defend yourself. As we all know, it is sometimes best to take a step back and question your initial reaction before approching the issue. Invariably you will come up with a better option that saves the dignity of both parties. Now, this is all well and good in theory you might say, and I would agree, up to a point. I can sit and write this not having been pissed off or hurt with total clarity of such an incident. No emotion, just a cup of tea and a caramel rice cake to see me through the post.
What would happen though if Missy were to walk back through the door displaying a silent and off-hand attitude towards me? Well firstly she wouldn’t ignore me. She would explain the problem, and if I was to receive direct feedback on an indiscretion, she would know that she needs to respectful to me and above all, to herself. Holding yourself accountable for your own actions is key in society and a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’re a saint, it means you have self discipline, self respect and you have remembered the type of loving, and dare I say it, improved relationship you are in.
As for me, the make believe villain in this post, I need to behave the same way. I am the leader in this relationship and as such I am fallable and above all, accountable. Anyone can throw in an excuse to divert the attention, however, a person who is aggrieved needs reassurance and closure. Acknowledgement of the incident and its impact is a good start followed by a realistic plan to correct it. Please don’t think I’m trying to teach anyone to manage their relationship, I’m just shooting from the hip here. What I do know is this; if you make a mistake and don’t learn something from it, you’ve missed an opportunity. If you’ve missed an opportunity, don’t make the mistake of not learning from it. (Deep eh?)