Dom and Dommer

I read a post recently on dating alpha males. I should’t have been annoyed by it, as I think I am a very accepting person, however, it did.

The author was trying to explain that Dominant men were the best types to date. It was all a little kink/romantic pulp fiction type view point, and I’m not knocking her for this, as many of us were drawn to the lifestyle through a hedonistic written encounter. What I did object to was her acceptance of being treated like a doormat, not by dominant men, but domineering men; those that resemble hyenas. You’ve probably seen it, lots of walking around in circles, posturing, growling and giving off pheromones to raise the blood pressure of the intended prey. Just like a hyena, the final move is devastatingly effective. The crunching of bone and gristle is akin to emotions and feeling being destroyed by powerful jaws. It is over in a short period of time and all that’s left if a bloody mess. Unfortunately for the lady concerned, her own breed of vulture moves in to pick over her carcass. It’s the wannabe (vulture) Dom who takes advantage of emotional weakness and of course will damage her further; And the circle continues until she cannot function without support from close friends in 1am phone calls.

My own version of a Dom is very different. I don’t posture and try to make myself the centre of attention, I have no need for this. I have a wife and family that need a steady hand to keep things safe and secure. My role is not defined by a kinky novel or film, or for that matter by a Dominant ‘expert.’

Effective Dominant men do not put their needs first. Like a military officer, he makes sure the troops are fed first, they have the tools they need to get through life safely and above all, they are fully accountable for their actions. I’m not suggesting that Dominant men have to be like soldiers, far from it. I am offering an opinion that men who go out to prove a point by being domineering are poor choices when looking for a Dominant partner. Good Dominate men have faults and they are open about them. They seek help to improve themselves so that those around them can benefit, not paint over them with bravado arrogance. I’ve had to manage a number of things in my life that needed support, and mine came from my beautiful sub. Each feeding the other, not just half gorging on the best bits like a hyena! 

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic.


  1. I love the clear distinction you’ve made between dominant and domineering. It’s world’s apart in my eyes

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