I’m generalising here, so please forgive me if I offend anyone. The Doms that are found in fictitious writing do not exist. Now that may come of as a bit of a surprise to a few people, although they probably do not subscribe to forums such as ours. However, that is where many of us started our journey, in fiction, so I won’t be too hard on them.
I said that Doms found in fiction writing do not exist because like most TV shows and movies, stars do not visit the bathroom, cut hair from their nostrils or take off underwear at the end of the day and wash it; all routine domestic tasks that mere mortals do are just not sexy. They live in world where your knickers are as fresh as they were 10 hours ago after a full days work, and the contents fresher still. The man arriving home from the construction site or office doesn’t look tired or have coffee breath. It’s just not sexy is it? It’s en edited version of reality that, to be honest, is consistently unobtainable.
Again, I’m generalising here, but if you have semi permanent relationship with a Dom, you will probably come close to that character in the fictitious writing. However, the mystery man in the black who has left you in a puddle of bodily fluids, still has to return home to feed the cat and trim his nasal hair, or both!
For those who have a permanent relationship, life is very different because ‘life’ gets in the way, and often. It’s a shame really, subs do deserve more. I do not think subs in a long term relationship have unrealistic expectations. I think Doms have the monopoly on that one, and not for their subs, I mean for them. Like a lots of good things in life, thinking about them is easier than actually doing them and sometimes bad things are harder to think about than actually doing them, like visiting the dentist. Now pulling teeth is not like being a Dom, however, at times subs must think that getting their Doms to be consistent is just that!
Someone shared their frustrations with me recently regarding their sub’s inability to be what they wanted. There was an expectation that by telling their sub to do something would translate into a good experience. I suggested taking things slowly. Unfortunately, my interpretation of slow meant doing things in small amounts, talking things through first and setting the scene. A sub is not Wonder Woman, a couple of quick twirls, a flash of light and housewife to horny sub is not realistic. Transition from daily life to submissive needs time and often a trigger.
Our everyday Dom has to also transit from daily grind to Superman! He needs time and trigger. If that is something you both need, then you have a common goal. Something to be discussed and broken down into pieces. Being a Dom is not about taking on the full responsibility of everything.
An effective leader outlines the task in question to the team (sub) and gives an overview of the aim and objectives. They will have an idea of the way they want it to go, however, they want the team to contribute to enhance the outcome. It’s a shared experience and will produce a better outcome. If it doesn’t go exactly to plan, well it’s a team effort. The Dom doesn’t feel upset that it didn’t work out and his Dominance isn’t affected. Likewise the sub doesn’t feel like she has failed to meet her Dom’s needs.
The everyday Dom does not need to worry about the fictitious Dom. He just needs to think more about sharing his thoughts and expectations to keep the story going. As for the other guy, well, he story has been written and it always has the same ending; how boring is that?
Oh so true!! The daily life interferes with the fantasy one. Reality can be so much less sexy. As I write this my Dom is snoring beside me and our 50 pound dog is crammed in bed between us with his head on my pillow.
My illusions have been shattered. 🙁
I shall have to totter off to the Old Doms Home now to play dominoes.
A timely read.
A late starter who is new to D/s as a lifestyle unfortunately a lot of what I started off practicing and expecting has come either from books and movies or from great blogs which unfortunately come from a non marriage perspective.
You have written frequently about communication and sharing whats you envisage openly. You also share how you both talk about your scenes pre (what you would like/like to do, ehT this would look like, etc) and post (what you liked, worked didn’t work try)
Butterfly (although game) is shy about kink and doesn’t like talking about these things.
She is perfect, I have immense respect/love for her. What could I do to help her open up ?
It feels like I am a failure as a Dom