If you’ve ever lost your job through redundancy, then you’ll probably know where this post is going. If you haven’t experienced it first hand or are ever likely to, second hand redundancy through a partner can be equally as bad. Like an unexpected announcement from a doctor that says your sore throat needs a rectal examination, surprise, shock and primarily loss of control will hit you. Having spent many years in industry observing the ebb and flow of economic tide, I’ve seen the human debris left behind on the shore as the receding waters drag off the buoyant lucky ones who have yet to be weighed down by corporate lead weights, to survive another day. I have lost count the number of people I have had to release from their jobs through indiscretion or poor performance. I have also had the pleasure of saying goodbye to people who move on through their own decision to improve their life. There’s nothing more satisfying as a manager than to deliver good news or a positive summary of someone’s working life.
Redundancy, however, is a whole new experience. Remember, this is not about you as human being, this is about your role, not you, or your performance, just your role. There’s a difference, apparently, that is supposed to disengage you from the reality of the situation. “It’s not personal,” they said. Really? Well for something that’s not personal, it sure feels like it!
D/s relationships are not immune to the fall out of one of you losing their job. For us it was me, the Dom. I was the one in control of our lives and within one afternoon someone had control over me and my immediate future. Now there will be men who read this, who may take the attitude that you should, ‘Dom-up’, ‘grow a pair’ or ‘stick it to the man’.’ I can tell you that’s how I felt the day after informing my family of the changes ahead. However, deep down inside there’s the worm of reality that’s telling you that your life is going to change and so will your relationship with others. Please, don’t think I am comparing this to news of a life threatening incident. Threat against your health is a reality check for sure and work related issues suddenly seem insignificant; until they too start to be significant! The only comparisons I will draw is the feeling of loss of control and quite possibly, bereavement. It is likely that we spend 23% of our lives over a 50 year period working. Having already tapped in to 30 years of that pot, a break in those habits, human development and interaction makes a dent in one’s mental state.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have a wife who is sexy, highly intelligent and very supportive. However, she was faced with this, my real feelings. This was written one week after being advised of my contract being terminated: Now I grieve. My comfortable life has been torn from me. I have been stripped naked in front of my colleagues. I am contaminated, or you would assume so. People ignore me, avoid eye contact, conversation, emails, elevators, even some sit in their cars to avoid walking up to the office with me. I am the walking dead. I have no operational purpose, whereas before the news release of redundancy, I was managing budgets of millions of pounds and representing the company on many fronts. Today, I am completely worthless and have a contractual obligation to work my notice period. An obligation that drains all self esteem from me, second by second. Those closest to me in the office become upset and I support them; I’m human and relationships are important in the work place. Some still remember that.
You do not want to read about the negative side of this I know. You want something up lifting, something positive in all this; and so you shall dear reader!!
The fundamental underpinning of our successful D/s relationship is communication, and I am crap at it. Single child syndrome, terrible first marriage or never owning a dog, whatever it is, there’s room for development. During the early stages of redundancy, when it was raw, my wife stepped up and made me feel like a Dom. She knew I was putting on a brave face, doing positive things to combat the impact and yet deep down, she knew I was having problems. She challenged me both in the bedroom and looking at finances. When I told her that I wanted to use my skills of 30 years to work for myself, she supported the idea. She knew I would not make anywhere near the salary I had before and she told me how she felt about it. Open, honest and to the point. I was still managing the exit process from employent which was becoming very personal with my now former MD. I was in fighting mode and angry. I had a boiling pot of emotions on the go that was like dynamite and she knew that at some point it was either time to diffuse or explode.
I am her Dom. Not ‘a Dom,’ her Dom’. I do what I do for us, not for other women or men. It’s us and our family, the rest is secondary. We have built a world for ourselves in a small community who would tear our D/s lifestyle limb from limb. If you’ve never seen The Wickerman, watch it, you’ll get the idea! So when this life changing event happened, we closed ranks, communicated with our family the situation and the plan. My plan, the Dad plan, the Dom plan, and all supported and in a large part, shaped, by my submissive wife. We are a good team, not perfect by any means. Our journey has only just started but we will do it together as a D/s couple. I should point out that I lost my job many years ago in another marriage. I went out and got a job the next day, didn’t discuss it, wasn’t asked about it and ultimately took the whole responsibility and burden on my own. Looking back, it was a ridiculous state of affairs. How can something so massive in a family not be discussed? Being in a D/s relationship has brought me many things, however, it has above all brought me a sense of calm and trust with someone I love. Someone who wants security not through material things, although that’s a bonus, but through closeness and strength. All the butt plugs in this world cannot fill the cracks caused by stress, it’s the emotional restraints that hold us together and make us stronger.