Loss of Employment, Dominance and Submission

If you’ve ever lost your job through redundancy, then you’ll probably know where this post is going. If you haven’t experienced it first hand or are ever likely to, second hand redundancy through a partner can be equally as bad. Like an unexpected announcement from a doctor that says your sore throat needs a rectal examination, surprise, shock and primarily loss of control will hit you. Having spent many years in industry observing the ebb and flow of economic tide, I’ve seen the human debris left behind on the shore as the receding waters drag off the buoyant lucky ones who have yet to be weighed down by corporate lead weights, to survive another day.  I have lost count the number of people I have had to release from their jobs through indiscretion or poor performance. I have also had the pleasure of saying goodbye to people who move on through their own decision to improve their life. There’s nothing more satisfying as a manager than to deliver good news or a positive summary of someone’s working life. 

Redundancy, however, is a whole new experience. Remember, this is not about you as human being, this is about your role, not you, or your performance, just your role. There’s a difference, apparently, that is supposed to disengage you from the reality of the situation. “It’s not personal,” they said. Really? Well for something that’s not personal, it sure feels like it!
D/s relationships are not immune to the fall out of one of you losing their job.  For us it was me, the Dom.  I was the one in control of our lives and within one afternoon someone had control over me and my immediate future.  Now there will be men who read this, who may take the attitude that you should, ‘Dom-up’, ‘grow a pair’ or ‘stick it to the man’.’ I can tell you that’s how I felt the day after informing my family of the changes ahead.  However, deep down inside there’s the worm of reality that’s telling you that your life is going to change and so will your relationship with others. Please, don’t think I am comparing this to news of a life threatening incident.  Threat against your health is a reality check for sure and work related issues suddenly seem insignificant; until they too start to be significant!  The only comparisons I will draw is the feeling of loss of control and quite possibly, bereavement.  It is likely that we spend 23% of our lives over a 50 year period working. Having already tapped in to 30 years of that pot, a break in those habits, human development and interaction makes a dent in one’s mental state.

I’m incredibly fortunate to have a wife who is sexy, highly intelligent and very supportive.  However, she was faced with this, my real feelings. This was written one week after being advised of  my contract being terminated:  Now I grieve. My comfortable life has been torn from me. I have been stripped naked in front of my colleagues. I am  contaminated, or you would assume so. People ignore me, avoid eye contact, conversation, emails, elevators, even some sit in their cars to avoid walking up to the office with me. I am the walking dead. I have no operational purpose, whereas before the news release of redundancy, I was managing budgets of millions of pounds and representing the company on many fronts. Today, I am completely worthless and have a contractual obligation to work my notice period. An obligation that drains all self esteem from me, second by second. Those closest to me in the office become upset and I support them; I’m human and relationships are important in the work place. Some still remember that.  

You do not want to read about the negative side of this I know. You want something up lifting, something positive in all this; and so you shall dear reader!!

The fundamental underpinning of our successful D/s relationship is communication, and I am crap at it.  Single child syndrome, terrible first marriage or never owning a dog, whatever it is, there’s room for development. During the early stages of redundancy, when it was raw, my wife stepped up and made me feel like a Dom.  She knew I was putting on a brave face, doing positive things to combat the impact and yet deep down, she knew I was having problems.  She challenged me both in the bedroom and looking at finances.  When I told her that I wanted to use my skills of 30 years to work for myself, she supported the idea. She knew I would not make anywhere near the salary I had before and she told me how she felt about it. Open, honest and to the point.  I was still managing the exit process from employent which was becoming very personal with my now former MD. I was in fighting mode and angry.  I had a boiling pot of emotions on the go that was like dynamite and she knew that at some point it was either time to diffuse or explode.

I am her Dom. Not ‘a Dom,’ her Dom’.  I do what I do for us, not for other women or men. It’s us and our family, the rest is secondary. We have built a world for ourselves in a small community who would tear our D/s lifestyle limb from limb. If you’ve never seen The Wickerman, watch it, you’ll get the idea!  So when this life changing event happened, we closed ranks, communicated with our family the situation and the plan.  My plan, the Dad plan, the Dom plan, and all supported and in a large part, shaped, by my submissive wife.  We are a good team, not perfect by any means. Our journey has only just started but we will do it together as a D/s couple. I should point out that I lost my job many years ago in another marriage.  I went out and got a job the next day, didn’t discuss it, wasn’t asked about it and ultimately took the whole responsibility and burden on my own.  Looking back, it was a ridiculous state of affairs. How can something so massive in a family not be discussed?  Being in a D/s relationship has brought me many things, however, it has above all brought me a sense of calm and trust with someone I love. Someone who wants security not through material things, although that’s a bonus, but through closeness and strength.  All the butt plugs in this world cannot fill the cracks caused by stress, it’s the emotional restraints that hold us together and make us stronger.



Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged , , , , , .


  1. I am glad that you chose to write about this. It has been one of those external factors that has challenged our D/s over the past year and I imagine there are others out there who can relate to that. Loss of control and security in the world outside can have a serious knock on to how you feel about yourself in your private life. I feel lucky to be married to someone who is so positive, honest and open to support, even when faced with challenges. To have used the D/s to counteract what was going on was not necessarily easy, but the focus on what was controllable, secure and, ultimately, more important, has brought us even closer together than ever. Thank you Sir.

  2. I think team work is so important in a relationship, working together, supporting each other in our goals and struggles. We have gone through a few job changes most voluntary, a couple not. The storms of life have been bareable because we have weathered them together. I’m glad you and Missy have each other, and have created such a wonderfully supportive relationship.

  3. Excerpt from the standard Lutheran wedding vows. “I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband, and these things I promise you: I will be faithful to you and honest with you; I will respect, trust, help, and care for you; I will share my life with you; I will forgive you as we have been forgiven; and I will try with you better to understand ourselves, the world and God; through the best and worst of what is to come, and as long as we live.”
    It sounds like you tick all the boxes.(although I personally do not believe in a God) You are an excellent example of how it should be done.

  4. Pingback: Roots | submissy

  5. Well this broke my heart “never owning a dog”. That is horrifying.
    How fortunate your D/s foundation was firmly in place before this life-changing event. I believe it will help carry you through this. No guarantees you will be unscathed but much better off than without it.
    I wish you both the best.

  6. Pingback: A Dom in D/stress | submissy

  7. What a wonderful Post, my Lee sent this to me as we can relate to this very well. After 17 years of making and saving a company millions, helping to grow a company from 45 to over 300 million. They decided to “restructure” many of the roles within the company. Many were let go, many had to interview for positions they already had. He was lucky I suppose they did offer him the position he interviewed for. The pay cut was never ever mentioned in the interview or at any time, until after traveling out of the country for them and stuck in an airport over night, arriving in a totally different time zone, he was called & they had Great news, they let him know he got his job then the bomb drop at 13k less and they needed an answer NOW. He had been traveling and awake for more than 48 hours & they wanted an answer now?? He was so sleep deprived, etc. I believe they purposely made this offer at this time as they were aware of the traveling fiasco and no sleep. He considered it, after all he is the Big Bread winner, I am not, we have a child/adult still in college.

    In the meantime I am home hearing about all of this from him on the phone. I have never claimed to be naturally submissive and I am working really hard to be submissive with Lee. I lost it, I put the most truthful, detailed post on FB to let everyone know how he was treated. I know so mature of me. The comments were many, all supportive of him and people stating they would never purchase another_____ from this company. I was asked by him to take it down the next day, I obliged reluctantly. Once he “woke up” and I mean like after getting some sleep, he turned their job offer down, they asked him to stay on a few more weeks to help with the transition.

    He did, now he is currently looking for a new job. I am so Proud of him, I know how serious and important he takes his responsibility, I know this unsure time is probably weighing on him. I also know I believe in him, I know something much better will come along and it will be Perfect for him. I am sure this has caused him some doubt at time within himself, but he has me, I will be his biggest cheerleader, I will stand behind him, beside him, or Heck in Front of him if ever need be. I know he knows this. I am so Proud and have no doubts he will come out on TOP as always lol. Thank you for sharing this post it was perfect for us to read at this time. I wish & hope for you the very Best of Success of whatever it is you want.
    P.s. sorry so long and jumbled, obviously I still vomit many thoughts/feelings all over the screen

    • Honey,
      Thank you so much for reading my post. Before replying I read back my original to get a feel of it. Whilst I recognised my writing, the person who wrote it seemed a bit blurred.

      The length of your comment is evidence to the emotions you are experiencing and I know that is incredibly difficult. In my post I said that I shared my feelings with my wife, in fact that was not entirely true. I shared what I could manage and buried the rest. That was a big mistake and I should have just given everything up as it happened. When new feelings arrived I kept them in. I made the mistake of thinking that initial feelings are the only ones you get.
      We are in a better place now, which is mainly due to my girl and her persistence to not let me hide away from the unspoken issues.
      I wish you both all the luck in finding something new, and more, so an inner peace!

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