Bear Necessities 

Living on this planet means that you have little influence on the decisions of others. Whether you are a human, a horse or a river, external forces will change the way you make your way through life. However, being human, we do have an added advantage.  We have conscious thought; the power to change ourselves and, to a degree, those around us. It’s that ‘circles of influence’ theory.  The odd thing is, a lot of us (humans) allow ourselves to be influence in a negative way. We place ourselves outside the ‘circle.’ It’s stupid really when you think about it. Of all the people in the world you have the most influence over, you are the obvious choice; and yet we allow ourselves to be consumed by our own thoughts.  It’s the price to pay I suppose of having developed conscious and creative thought.

I saw an interview on YouTube from the early 90’s with Stephen Fry and Robin Williams as guests. Fry had been producing a documentary on bears in Peru. He said that bears were interesting because they only thought about being bears. They didn’t want to be a monkey or a snake. Unlike humans, bears didn’t model themselves on others. A bear, is a bear, is a bear.  On reflection, I find that to be incorrect as most animals in relationships have a hierarchy.  Therefore, a bear wants to be a better bear, a stronger bear and a bear that will survive. There is a natural order.

Robin Williams became embarrassing to watch during the interview by over compensating for his lack of stage presence in the company of loud and articulate make.  He became loud and interrupted Fry’s story, however, Fry just paused briefly to acknowledge the small outbursts and continued with intellectual consistency.  I wondered what a bear would make of this behaviour.

My point, and there is one, before you lose complete interest, is this.  I try very hard not to allow other people influence me in a negative way. I appreciate sometimes you only fight the battles you are going to win to ensure the emotional casualties are less. The ones you lose through overwhelming forces stay with you and unfortunately affect how you behave in the future.  My behaviour currently is not condusive to a successful D/s relationship.  I’m allowing the result of a recent social battle to influence the outcome of my decisions.  I’m assuming the worst possible outcome to my uncommunicated Dom decisions.  The knock on is that less decisions are made, a gap is formed, a darkness is created and people lose their way and faith.

Stephen Fry was excellent in his description of the bears. I believe the interview was improved by Robin Williams’non stop chatter everytime Fry paused for breath; and there in lies the answer.  It’s about filling gaps with communication. When your conscious thought stops you from moving forward in a direction you want it go in, you should just fill that gap and say something. That something will produce something else.  Hopefully it will create dialogue that will help solve the problem at hand with the one person you can trust and the person that trusts you.  Conscious thought and communication are the the two skills we have developed over other creatures, and if an a bear can shit in the woods, why can’t we do what should come so natural to us?

Posted in Dominant Reflections.


  1. I think when we get stuck it helps to talk about it. Talking to someone we trust can help us see another point of view, an avenue that had been obscured to us. I look to my husband for direction and I appreciate him communicating even if he says, “I’m not sure which way next.” I get the opportunity to support my leader by being his sounding board, his listening ear as he weighs the possibilities and his adviser.

  2. I really appreciate this post. I have been going through my own struggles lately. Sadly enough, I have also allowed them to affect my relationship. This has given me some much needed perspective.

    Daddy J.

  3. Thank you. Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet. ‘Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting
    That would not let me sleep. Methought I lay
    Worse than the mutinies in the bilboes. Rashly-And prais’d be rashness for it; let us know,
    Our indiscretion sometime serves us well
    When our deep plots do pall; and that should learn us
    There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,
    Rough-hew them how we will- ‘ . To me this means that we are sometimes limited in our actions and thoughts, by actions and thoughts of others. It is not possible to be objective with our own thoughts, after all, we cannot think them from another point of view. Communication with a trusted person or people may be vital at this time, for only they may be able to show you another way of seeing things. Conversely being alone and allowing for deep introspection may be what you require for a paradigm shift. Both Steven Fry and Robin Williams had really dark times with thoughts and both attempted suicide, one successfully, so even intellectuals need help with their own thoughts. I can fully identify with your post and struggle daily, instead of just being a great bear.

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