I received an email from a new Dom a number of weeks ago thanking us (SubMissy.com) for our blog posts and asking for some pointers in his discovery of D/s. I only managed to respond to him today as I wanted to give him my undivided attention. Having taken the time to think about my response to a line of questioning regarding introducing D/s to his wife, I thought I would share a couple of excerpts.
I did say I wasn’t good all the time (being a Dom) and the problem is that life is very busy and managing a submissive means that generally no demands are being made of you (unlike managing people in a work environment). If they are asked, it’s respectfully! You have to be one step ahead and assume NOTHING about your decisions regarding her. Assumptions fill the gaps where knowledge is missing, and where there is no fact or assumption, you have a vacuum that will close, causing a communication breakdown (this happened this weekend and caused all sort of issues which I could have avoided by asking a few simple questions).
Think very carefully what is in this for her? All humans want to know that (deep down). What’s the weather going to be like for my party, what’s for dinner, will I feel more alive being submissive and will my orgasms make me scream and scare the dog? You get the idea. Seriously though, this is really important. Let’s say that you are wanting to move house and it’s across the road. On the outside it’s the same house and on the inside it’s the same size. How are you going to convince her all the legal fees are worth it? Maybe it’s south facing and it gets sun all day long, maybe they installed a pool, maybe the combination of the two will allow you to do more things with the kids and improve family time? If this is something you want, you have to tell her honestly why you want it and what’s in it for her. How will she have a better life with you?
I have chosen these two excerpts because they reflect elements of our own D/s relationship. The topic of assumptions being my area of personal development and the house purchase being an example of finding an annalergy that your partner can relate to when introducing a complete new way of managing your relationship. Our own personal reasons relate to personal recognition, having a voice and putting each other at the centre of our lives.