Why D/s? 

I would like to recall the start of the Easter break for our family this year. It was the end of a very busy academic term for my wife and kids, mainly due to college and university applications.  We normally have a blow out on the Friday to mark the start of the holidays with food, drink, music and maybe a bit more drink. Decompression the military call it!

Not this year though, we were being healthy. Alcohol and nachos were off the list. Breaking that tradition, however, turned the end of term into an anticlimax, a vacuum of sorts. The kids gravitated to their own spaces around the house and Missy and We contemplated a very busy two week break ahead over carrot sticks and low fat humus. Rock ‘n’ Roll eh?

On Saturday morning we finally had some time to reflect on where our D/s was going. For some reason we were both a bit vague on the subject. We tried to discuss it further with more coffee, however, the fatigue of many weeks of stress at work for both of us was still present and emotional discussions were evidently still a way off for both of us. During Sunday we dipped in and out of conversation of the topic and it wasn’t until later in the evening, sitting alone together, we reflected on where we were and where we could be going.

Unlike some, our relationship was great to start with. Together for 6 years, married for one and a half. Second time around for both of us and lots of kids. We had good jobs, health and a desire to make things more comfortable for the family. So was anything missing? Well I suppose time and space were in short supply with such a large family. We enjoyed a very active sex life, albeit functional during the week and sometimes spicy at the weekend. We both loved kink, and that was very evident in our previous discussions and actions. So why was D/s proving to be so important to us?

Our conclusion was that the big challenges in life, communication breakdowns and emotional events are the things that challenge a relationship deep down. Birth, death, illness, travel, finances, children and ex partners all bring challenges that make you stronger as a person and primarily, as a couple. The kink side of D/s tests both of us in a many ways and makes us stronger in a physically emotional way.

Think of some of the things you have experienced with your sub or Dom; those scenes where you tried something new, where you was taken to limits never reached before. Is that not an experience that will make you both stronger as a couple? Do you not feel stronger amongst others in your vanilla circle of family and friends? The way you interact with one another, do people not notice? Of course they do and many, whilst finding it mildly amusing, may wonder why you’re really into each other. What’s their secret they wonder? Holding a chair, a door or coat has nothing to do with kinky sex, however, as that coat slips over her shoulders and your hands rest on her  she feels safe, loved and for a moment she imagines you grasp her neck, bend her over and slip your hand between her legs. Does that make her closer to you, want you, trust you and possibly need you? I would say it does all of those and more.

What does D/s do for us and why should we continue? It’s because it’s not a one size fits all solution,which in turn makes it perfect for odd shaped relationships. It provides structure, boundaries, new opportunities, excitement and of course allows you so many ways to show your love in words and action. The continual focus is hard work, however, it’s great fun trying to be happy together and love each other until it hurts!

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged , , , , , , .


  1. Yes! This is it!!! I’ve had two failed abusive marriages. The relationship I have with Daddy doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever experienced.

    • One mistake that many Subs make and ‘wannabe Doms’ don’t understand is that a sub gives their submission. They have ultimate control at all times IF the relationship has clear boundaries. So many times I read of subs being mistreated or men being domineering. Without foundation and support, what do you have worth investing in?

      • Absolutely. This is why D/s and other relationships have a hard time in the mainstream. Everyone confuses them with domestic violence. Tell someone you spank your wife and the authorities are called. The flip side is the authorities often ignore real violence against women in favor of enforcing ‘moral codes’ on the general public. Throw in some religion and politics and it’s no wonder abused women don’t seek help. It is sickening how twisted men can become when offered submission. Cherish and protect, that’s a creed Dominates need to live by.

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