Following the Crowd

Making the decision to start a D/s lifestyle was not an easy one. Simply put, I had no real understanding of the topic. However, once I picked up the basic principles, it all looked very straight forward….. Obviously that theory soon evaporated leaving more questions than answers. As time wore on I started to feel that the Dom persona was not me and more of an act, a role to be played out. I struggled with it, fought against it at times, however, I carried on because it made my wife happy and really kinky sex is a winner for me if I’m honest.

Sitting here typing this, I now have come to realise that one of the toughest parts of being a Dom is trying not to follow the crowd. Trying to aspire to the daring exploits and the hedonistic wonderment that some Doms claim is just fool hardy. Being a Dom is not about being something different or someone different, it’s about being a better you for the benefit of your sub and family. There are certain aspects of my life that I am good at. What they are is not important, what is however, is that I’m not good at them all the time. I remember what it was that went wrong and file it away in my head for another time. The things I’m not so good at I try to become better; sometimes!

Dominant/Submission evolution for me is about creating a dynamic that fits in with our lives and not changing our lives to fit around a dynamic that is prescribed by others. This could threaten to damage the way we have to run our lives and our family. Trying do this constantly leads to regular failure and creates stress in a relationship that wasn’t stressful before. It’s a bit like fashion in a way. You can wear clothes and hair in the latest style, however, you just might look a complete fool. Finding your own style is the key to feeling comfortable and hopefully still looking good!

My whole view on D/s has changed in the last 6 months. There are many prescribed things I can have my sub do for me, however, I do not require her to do them. Do I want someone who has to wait for my approval, wear what I want and eat what I want? No, I do not. I take no pleasure from that at all, it’s just not me. What I do want is for my sub to be tolerant, respectful, supporting, feminine, dutiful in a way that makes her feel comfortable and above all, happy. How can I support that mindset and help her grow? By using the principles of D/s that suit us, our model and our lives.

Do not beat yourself up over the failure of things you really didn’t want or believe in. I am not religious, however, many people I know are. Do they all attend church regularly and get the same from their faith? Or course not because it is personal choice and each gets their own return from the rules they apply to it. Don’t follow the crowd, just listen to them and try a few things out as an experiment. Have fun and if it works for you, keep it. If not, discard it and learn from the experience, after all, we are only human.

Posted in Being a Dom, Building A Dynamic and tagged .


  1. Never been a follower myself and your words are very articulate in explaining that each Dom is unique in the relationship with a sub. D/s is not easy and sometimes doesn’t seem to be worth the effort, except when it all clicks and you soar above the herd stampeding to consume the latest craze.

  2. Pingback: Dom to the Rescue! – Journey to Submission

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