It’s Not Just The Kink

It is fair to say that D/s is a personal thing between two people and is defined by both the dynamic of the lifestyle and their relationship. Nothing more can be more personal than the trust placed in one another to inflict both pleasure and pain.

However, it’s not all about pleasure and pain is it? It’s bigger than that – it’s broader and deeper. For me it’s about how I wish to be treated; I have needs that have been defined by childhood experiences and previous relationships. If you press one of those red buttons then I will react accordingly. You may not know you have crossed a line that will make me defensive and uncommunicative. D/s has allowed those finer points to be explored through discussion and understanding. My sub knows me better than myself, she has dug deep, pressed the red buttons and watched the internal fireworks pop off. She is intelligent and acute to my needs.

But what happens when the D/s relationship slips? On face value my ability to call upon my sub to suck my cock, for her to accept my fingers where I please or to give herself to my hand or flogger is a huge draw to the lifestyle. If she said that I could keep all the kink and bedroom submission but loose the dynamic where communication was equal, where I made the decisions and where she would wait for me to guide the family’s path, would that be enough? For me, the latter means more than an afternoon of spanking. I have a forum whereby everything is up for discussion. No closed doors, no back turning and certainly no arguing. It this a perfect relationship? Of course not, we are human and as such to be one is to err. D/s gives me that, to err and to learn from it. I forget dedicated communication time, advance notice of my sexual thoughts and to communicate everything that will impact on my sub. Does that mean every time this happens our D/s is trashed? Well obviously not, for that outcome would have put us back in the counter productive vanilla world we both once existed in. We grow, not just exist, we learn, not just accept our lot. We are married and adopt a D/s lifestyle that rides out all the mistakes we will both make. If it was all about control, whips and orgasms our D/s experience would have been over on a rainy day Friday in a hotel room a long time ago.

D/s is a personal thing between two people, defined by their relationship and their life experiences, not a post that has been edited to only include a perfect world. So which knots have the great hold, is it the restraint or the respect?

Posted in Dominant Reflections and tagged .


  1. HL!
    Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience!
    I’ve been happily married to the same woman for many years, but after we started with D/s it all changed into a much deeper and closer relation.
    For me, married D/s is not about getting my will as a Dom, it’s about taking care of my sub, and being cared for. There is no perfect world or D/s relation, but respect is the foundation that stands though any storm.

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